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Post by souley on Mar 23, 2011 10:09:35 GMT -5
Hello self-addicted anonymous! You will be my involuntary support group for this confession.
I am apparently very scared that I am a bad person. For some reason, I feel deep down that if I let go of everything, of who I am (lol), then it might turn out I am a very bad person. I'm afraid I would be a rapist murderer pedophile at the core, and the only thing stopping this from coming forth is the "me structure" protecting me and the world from the horrors in the deep. I've been battling with this secret fear now for a long time, it just wont go away, and I don't dare face it because it's just too stupid and ugly.
Also, when I make posts in this forum I have a strong need to sound as enlightened and developed as possible. This is pretty ridiculous, I guess "I" am used to being a smart fellow who should have everything taped. The truth is I don't have a *** clue about anything. Ask someone else if you want to know anything, because what flows from this mouth is pretty much ***.
Sorry you had to read that - now back to this *** game of seeking.
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Post by mamza on Mar 23, 2011 11:32:54 GMT -5
I used to feel that way too. It really, really sucks. I'm not too sure how you end it, but I can say that the feeling you're describing is one of the most limiting, awful feelings to have.
Maybe try doing something that you think would make you a 'bad person' (not bad enough to go to jail or anything, mind you) and see how you feel afterward. There are a lot of things out there that I was absolutely, 100% against in this world; one day for absolutely no reason whatsoever I decided 'fuck it' and tried them to see if I was full of shit, and it turned out I was. Now I can do a few really awesome things that I had previously restrained myself from.
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Post by zendancer on Mar 23, 2011 11:43:26 GMT -5
Who we really are is worse than can be imagined and also better than can be imagined. We are Hitler and Jesus at the same time because there is nothing other than THIS. Yes, it is frightening to let go and trust the Absolute completely because ......who knows what will happen? However, this isn't "our" game;" it is God's game (call God IT if the word "God" is troublesome), and there is no separate entity at all.
The fear you describe arises from conditioned thought structures. It will vanish when it vanishes. For now, focus on the actual; it will lead you home.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2011 12:00:17 GMT -5
...The truth is I don't have a *** clue about anything. Ask someone else if you want to know anything, because what flows from this mouth is pretty much ***. Sorry you had to read that - now back to this *** game of seeking. i resemble that remark! here's a confession i wrote yesterday but did not post it to the world: searching for cool things to post at ST won’t people think I’m cool now? hey he’s rilly getting it! at least it’s something... i may be screwing up my marriage but at least i know a thing or two about not knowing anything yea, that’s the ticket ++++ back to the regularly scheduled actual
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Post by enigma on Mar 23, 2011 12:04:48 GMT -5
"I am apparently very scared that I am a bad person. For some reason, I feel deep down that if I let go of everything, of who I am (lol), then it might turn out I am a very bad person. I'm afraid I would be a rapist murderer pedophile at the core, and the only thing stopping this from coming forth is the "me structure" protecting me and the world from the horrors in the deep. I've been battling with this secret fear now for a long time, it just wont go away, and I don't dare face it because it's just too stupid and ugly."
The funny thing is that this 'me structure' is a constriction made of fear, and this is the only possible impetus for there to be a rapist, murderer, pedophile. No me structure, no fear motivation, no bad person running willy-nilly through the world leaving a trail of destruction.
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Post by michaelsees on Mar 23, 2011 13:14:34 GMT -5
Confession, I don't know I cannot even think of the things your thinking, I have always been good so you must be very bad. I know I am awaken and therefore I joined the best of the best. Everything I post is super cool and if the rest don't get me it's there own silly fault. Ok just kidding but I bet most of you reading now thought I was serious right be honest. Michael certainly has his days also but..... Michael
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Post by souley on Mar 23, 2011 14:17:05 GMT -5
The funny thing is that this 'me structure' is a constriction made of fear, and this is the only possible impetus for there to be a rapist, murderer, pedophile. No me structure, no fear motivation, no bad person running willy-nilly through the world leaving a trail of destruction. Yeah I definitely see that very clearly. Which makes it even more stupid hehehe
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Post by souley on Mar 23, 2011 14:19:44 GMT -5
Who we really are is worse than can be imagined and also better than can be imagined. We are Hitler and Jesus at the same time because there is nothing other than THIS. Yes, it is frightening to let go and trust the Absolute completely because ......who knows what will happen? However, this isn't "our" game;" it is God's game (call God IT if the word "God" is troublesome), and there is no separate entity at all. The fear you describe arises from conditioned thought structures. It will vanish when it vanishes. For now, focus on the actual; it will lead you home. Yeah I think at some point I realized that it is not because of any choice on my part that I am a "good guy" and that all "evil" is pretty much involuntary ignorance. I could be just as bad as that guy, I just got luckier. This realization removes the previously safe barrier between good people and "bad people".. and maybe that led me to this fear? Sharing it does help tho!!
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Post by michaelsees on Mar 23, 2011 14:52:01 GMT -5
ZD"Who we really are is worse than can be imagined and also better than can be imagined."
This is really a hard one especially if you have eyewitness some "imaginable" horrible events such as a person drilling holes in live babies heads and then eating the baby which by the way has really been done or cutting a young girls head off or killing millions of jews in the most terrible ways and on and on. Now for a person that has seen with their own eyes your quote ZD would not go over well, in truth they would think you are another Charles Manson waiting to kill.. I know your a nice guy no worries but my point is this. For anyone to take the nondual look at life. Your quoted line above must be true and true for all nondualist it cannot be Not.
IT's my hope that no member here ever has to test those words they are so easy to say and to also make sense to the nondual crowd it's quite another to live them. I for one certainly hope that test never comes my way. As much as you (meaning people) that believe like this would like to think they could hold on to whatever sanity they have. In real life such horrors as I mentioned would break the most convinced awaken person here. To that I am assured. At least for myself I have found that there is a lot more to living a full life then just tossing up everything as a illusion except the actual. For in truth when you awaken such horrible events will probably be felt and effect more a awaken person from a non awaken one. The one liner makes no sense at all when reality hits you in the face. It may be true but it's not a license to feel good about something not so good that you may have already done.
When anyone even awakes a small bit there is something that stirs in them at least it was for me to do good and to make good if I possibly could what wrong I have done in the past. Living life with integrity becomes even more when you wake up not less.
Michael
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Post by therealfake on Mar 23, 2011 15:51:49 GMT -5
It's not comforting to hear that your not the 'thought's' that arise in your mind, but your not...this must be seen clearly.
That particular thought holding back the murderous you, is a direct attack against the eternal, or God if your religious...
It makes God murderous, because you are created in his image and are his son, in Christian terminology.
You have made yourself Guilty of a sin that isn't real and now your trying to extract punishment on yourself for it.
Do you see the insanity in that?
I often have dreams of having buried a body in the back yard of my parents house and that one day the police are going to eventually find it and arrest me.
But then I wake up and see that it is all a dream...
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Post by vacant on Mar 23, 2011 16:02:51 GMT -5
Seems to me that if anything appears in your movie you are it. BTW I also suffer from the moralistic traumatic disorder of being viscerally attached to the good guy image. Sigh, not nearly as glamorous as I would like it to be!!! AAR, it’s not your movie. It’s not about having the guts to relinquish control, hey true warrior me, but facing the fact that neither we nor anyone ever did, ever will have control in the first place. Drop! Vanitas vanitatum, et omnia vanitas (he pedantically quotes)
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Post by vacant on Mar 23, 2011 16:26:02 GMT -5
Confessions are about owning up responsibility, that’s not being honest, that’s being delusional.
Edit: a comment in passing, not meant as criticism (the good guy thing, you see...) hehe, I think I'll follow SomeNOTHING down the cliff.
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Post by klaus on Mar 23, 2011 16:51:15 GMT -5
"I am apparently very scared that I am a bad person. For some reason, I feel deep down that if I let go of everything, of who I am (lol), then it might turn out I am a very bad person. I'm afraid I would be a rapist murderer pedophile at the core, and the only thing stopping this from coming forth is the "me structure" protecting me and the world from the horrors in the deep. I've been battling with this secret fear now for a long time, it just wont go away, and I don't dare face it because it's just too stupid and ugly." The funny thing is that this 'me structure' is a constriction made of fear, and this is the only possible impetus for there to be a rapist, murderer, pedophile. No me structure, no fear motivation, no bad person running willy-nilly through the world leaving a trail ofdestruction. E. makes a valid point. However, the 'me structure' made of fear is not only an impetus for there to be a rapist, murderer or whatever behavior is considered "bad", the "me structure' made of fear is also the impetus that keeps us from realization. You are in "hell" already and it's just a matter of degree what you call "bad" or "good" it's still "hell." It's when you transcend this fear you open yourself to the realization that you are THAT.
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Post by enigma on Mar 23, 2011 17:05:15 GMT -5
...The truth is I don't have a *** clue about anything. Ask someone else if you want to know anything, because what flows from this mouth is pretty much ***. Sorry you had to read that - now back to this *** game of seeking. i resemble that remark! here's a confession i wrote yesterday but did not post it to the world: searching for cool things to post at ST won’t people think I’m cool now? hey he’s rilly getting it! at least it’s something... i may be screwing up my marriage but at least i know a thing or two about not knowing anything yea, that’s the ticket ++++ back to the regularly scheduled actual Another funny thingy here, I always enjoy 'cool posts', but what really floats my boat is when somebody can stand far enough back that all interest is lost in looking any particular way at all, and then speaking from that 'place'. Somehow it doesn't even matter what is or isn't seen from there, just that you're there looking. There's a kind of 'communion' in that, cause I'm right there looking with you, not above or below you, but right there next to you.
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Post by enigma on Mar 23, 2011 17:08:04 GMT -5
The funny thing is that this 'me structure' is a constriction made of fear, and this is the only possible impetus for there to be a rapist, murderer, pedophile. No me structure, no fear motivation, no bad person running willy-nilly through the world leaving a trail of destruction. Yeah I definitely see that very clearly. Which makes it even more stupid hehehe Well, okay, at least we're in agreement. Hehe.
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