Post by midnight on Apr 29, 2012 8:50:03 GMT -5
Hello everyone, my name is Patrick, I'm 20 and I live in London.
This might be quite long but I'l try and keep it brief.
A couple of years ago, I was a very miserable person. I hated myself, the way I looked, the way I acted in front of others, my lack of success in academia, with girls, with being who I wanted to be etc. For a long time I tried self-help, but eventually turned to 'The Power of Now' which I'm sure you all know.
Tolle's teachings didn't resonate, and despite travelling the world after finishing school I still felt depressed and full of anger and self-loathing.
I eventually found Mooji's teachings and followed the self-inquiry he put forward in his YouTube videos. I thought that this would make me happy, by finding the Self which I had heard so much about / the witness which I felt only peripherally aware of. (Lol)
I was on YouTube one night and saw a video about nervousness and anxiety by Mooji. In the video he told the seeker to FIND the SUFFERER.
I looked inwardly, scanning to find this one, the one suffering, the one scared and alone.... I found no such person.
I was giddy. I had a spiritual breakthrough, or atleast so I thought. Was this IT? I wasn't so sure. Suddenly thoughts began to slow down and disappear without any doing on my part - so I naturally began to presume I'd 'done it'.
My sense of self basically collapsed. I walked around the city that I once knew for months and it all felt alien, like a dream, totally surreal. My sense of self felt like it was gone entirely. My memory fell away and personal striving and desires seemed pointless.
I had panic attacks and constant anxiety around other people. My social skills went overnight. The next day after the inquiry I felt basically brain-dead. I couldn't talk to people at all and I became a hermit in the following months, finding it too hard to socialize with others. People wondered where I was and what had happened to me, while all the while I was in a totally fubar state of mind. I remember walking around a certain part of London that i knew very well, and my mind was just dead... silent... totally blank.. I was scared shitless.
I investigated online and found the only thing that matched what I was feeling was Depersonalization/Derealization. It made sense. Everything felt like a dream, even the people I saw on the street somehow didn't seem real to me and this freaked me the fuck out!
Still to this day, I yearn for some kind of release from what I'm feeling. I can't feel emotions fully, everything has the taste of detachment, and I hate this! I want to be attached! I want to feel again!
I even went to get an MRI scan to check there wasn't something wrong with my brain as I can't feel my emotions properly and I feel totally numb in my body.
I feel like I'm in a no-mans land. I need to be doing things in the world but this holds me back..
I don't know what to do..
This might be quite long but I'l try and keep it brief.
A couple of years ago, I was a very miserable person. I hated myself, the way I looked, the way I acted in front of others, my lack of success in academia, with girls, with being who I wanted to be etc. For a long time I tried self-help, but eventually turned to 'The Power of Now' which I'm sure you all know.
Tolle's teachings didn't resonate, and despite travelling the world after finishing school I still felt depressed and full of anger and self-loathing.
I eventually found Mooji's teachings and followed the self-inquiry he put forward in his YouTube videos. I thought that this would make me happy, by finding the Self which I had heard so much about / the witness which I felt only peripherally aware of. (Lol)
I was on YouTube one night and saw a video about nervousness and anxiety by Mooji. In the video he told the seeker to FIND the SUFFERER.
I looked inwardly, scanning to find this one, the one suffering, the one scared and alone.... I found no such person.
I was giddy. I had a spiritual breakthrough, or atleast so I thought. Was this IT? I wasn't so sure. Suddenly thoughts began to slow down and disappear without any doing on my part - so I naturally began to presume I'd 'done it'.
My sense of self basically collapsed. I walked around the city that I once knew for months and it all felt alien, like a dream, totally surreal. My sense of self felt like it was gone entirely. My memory fell away and personal striving and desires seemed pointless.
I had panic attacks and constant anxiety around other people. My social skills went overnight. The next day after the inquiry I felt basically brain-dead. I couldn't talk to people at all and I became a hermit in the following months, finding it too hard to socialize with others. People wondered where I was and what had happened to me, while all the while I was in a totally fubar state of mind. I remember walking around a certain part of London that i knew very well, and my mind was just dead... silent... totally blank.. I was scared shitless.
I investigated online and found the only thing that matched what I was feeling was Depersonalization/Derealization. It made sense. Everything felt like a dream, even the people I saw on the street somehow didn't seem real to me and this freaked me the fuck out!
Still to this day, I yearn for some kind of release from what I'm feeling. I can't feel emotions fully, everything has the taste of detachment, and I hate this! I want to be attached! I want to feel again!
I even went to get an MRI scan to check there wasn't something wrong with my brain as I can't feel my emotions properly and I feel totally numb in my body.
I feel like I'm in a no-mans land. I need to be doing things in the world but this holds me back..
I don't know what to do..
