Top Five Regrets... (Bronnie Ware)

[sharon]

Oct 5, 2023 16:11:09 GMT -5 inavalan said:

Oct 5, 2023 15:34:19 GMT -5 sharon said:

Many thanks for your contribution, it's been absolutely invaluable!

Can't say the same ...

Just out of curiousity, have you ever interpreted intuitively anything told to you, from someone's deathbed?

[inavalan]

Oct 7, 2023 5:30:47 GMT -5 sharon said:

Oct 5, 2023 16:11:09 GMT -5 inavalan said:

Can't say the same ...

Just out of curiousity, have you ever interpreted intuitively anything told to you, from somone's deathbed?

This could lead to an interesting discussion, if you honestly were interested in one. I don't recall your views, nor any previous exchange between us. Maybe you can start by volunteering some of your thoughts on the subject, instead of opinioning on mine (?).

[sharon]

Oct 7, 2023 12:12:57 GMT -5 inavalan said:

Oct 7, 2023 5:30:47 GMT -5 sharon said:

Just out of curiousity, have you ever interpreted intuitively anything told to you, from someone's deathbed?

This could lead to an interesting discussion, if you honestly were interested in one. I don't recall your views, nor any previous exchange between us. Maybe you can start by volunteering some of your thoughts on the subject, instead of opinioning on mine (?).

Take a risk man. Answer the question.

[inavalan]

Oct 7, 2023 14:27:51 GMT -5 sharon said:

Oct 7, 2023 12:12:57 GMT -5 inavalan said:

This could lead to an interesting discussion, if you honestly were interested in one. I don't recall your views, nor any previous exchange between us. Maybe you can start by volunteering some of your thoughts on the subject, instead of opinioning on mine (?).

Take a risk man. Answer the question.

It isn't about risk; there is no risk for me, but I also have no interest for such exchanges.

[sharon]

Oct 7, 2023 14:50:41 GMT -5 inavalan said:

Oct 7, 2023 14:27:51 GMT -5 sharon said:

Take a risk man. Answer the question.

It isn't about risk; there is no risk for me, but I also have no interest for such exchanges.

I'll accept that the answer is no then.

[inavalan]

Oct 7, 2023 17:33:26 GMT -5 sharon said:

Oct 7, 2023 14:50:41 GMT -5 inavalan said:

It isn't about risk; there is no risk for me, but I also have no interest for such exchanges.

I'll accept that the answer is no then.

Don't stop here! Interpret it as deep as you can, and only from your perspective. When you can't go any deeper, find the guidance (only for you) that results from your deepest interpretation. You may even find that there are better questions for you to ask.

This is an endless iterative process.
 

[sharon]

Oct 4, 2023 22:28:15 GMT -5 Reefs said:

There's an interesting book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware. It is mostly an autobiographical book with its main focus on her work with people on their deathbeds. As a young woman, listening to their perspectives and especially regrets, she had her own carpe diem moments and as a result went thru a profound transformation herself by putting her priorities into order. In the beginning it was mainly because she didn't want to end up like these people, but later she managed to be in alignment with herself more and started living in her own natural way.

Interestingly, after she finally let go of all her past trauma and drama, her perspective (and also lifestyle) pretty much reminded me of Zhuangzi's "carefree living (or roaming)"...

This is from her website about the book:

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.


bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

Thoughts?

I think that some deaths leave us irreversibly changed. As in, we are never the same person that we were before their deaths. And who we were in their company also dies with them.

It sounds like Bronnie was able to take from an intense time period, what 'most people' take decades to come to terms with. That whatever you think you understand about the formless aspect of Reality, the form that we are now, will end.    

[Reefs]

Oct 8, 2023 3:36:07 GMT -5 sharon said:

Oct 4, 2023 22:28:15 GMT -5 Reefs said:

There's an interesting book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware. It is mostly an autobiographical book with its main focus on her work with people on their deathbeds. As a young woman, listening to their perspectives and especially regrets, she had her own carpe diem moments and as a result went thru a profound transformation herself by putting her priorities into order. In the beginning it was mainly because she didn't want to end up like these people, but later she managed to be in alignment with herself more and started living in her own natural way.

Interestingly, after she finally let go of all her past trauma and drama, her perspective (and also lifestyle) pretty much reminded me of Zhuangzi's "carefree living (or roaming)"...

This is from her website about the book:

Thoughts?

I think that some deaths leave us irreversibly changed. As in, we are never the same person that we were before their deaths. And who we were in their company also dies with them.

It sounds like Bronnie was able to take from an intense time period, what 'most people' take decades to come to terms with. That whatever you think you understand about the formless aspect of Reality, the form that we are now, will end.    

Yes, she said that she learned some invaluable lessons. However, it was just borrowed wisdom. As the saying goes, words don't teach, only life experience does. And so she also had to learn it the hard way, because she also didn't pay attention to her inner guidance. There was a point when she actually had a breakdown and fell into deep degression, her health failing as well, her doctors basically giving her the death sentence (have surgery or you'll be dead in a year). This forced her to look at her own life (which was a total mess) and finally get her own things in order. Basically, she suffered from helper syndrome. She was giving readily and freely all the time but wasn't able to receive as readily. She did a lot of house sitting when she wasn't taking care of other people and at some point actually was living out of a car. So there was a huge imbalance which took its toll on her - mentally (depression), physically (cancer) and spiritually (contemplating suicide). Funny thing though, since she was still relatively young, some of her clients actually told her to stop hanging out with the dead all the time and go back and join the living. Which she eventually did. She (re)discovered the power of alignment, found her way back to her original childlike naiveté, simplicity and freshness of looking at the world and realized that - as I always keep saying - suffering is entirely optional. It took her a while to remember that life is good, that she is good, that it's all good and that what's left is just to enjoy life in the here and now. "Just smile and know", as she says.

[sharon]

Oct 8, 2023 12:31:17 GMT -5 Reefs said:

Oct 8, 2023 3:36:07 GMT -5 sharon said:

I think that some deaths leave us irreversibly changed. As in, we are never the same person that we were before their deaths. And who we were in their company also dies with them.

It sounds like Bronnie was able to take from an intense time period, what 'most people' take decades to come to terms with. That whatever you think you understand about the formless aspect of Reality, the form that we are now, will end.    

Yes, she said that she learned some invaluable lessons. However, it was just borrowed wisdom. As the saying goes, words don't teach, only life experience does. And so she also had to learn it the hard way, because she also didn't pay attention to her inner guidance. There was a point when she actually had a breakdown and fell into deep degression, her health failing as well, her doctors basically giving her the death sentence (have surgery or you'll be dead in a year). This forced her to look at her own life (which was a total mess) and finally get her own things in order. Basically, she suffered from helper syndrome. She was giving readily and freely all the time but wasn't able to receive as readily. She did a lot of house sitting when she wasn't taking care of other people and at some point actually was living out of a car. So there was a huge imbalance which took its toll on her - mentally (depression), physically (cancer) and spiritually (contemplating suicide). Funny thing though, since she was still relatively young, some of her clients actually told her to stop hanging out with the dead all the time and go back and join the living. Which she eventually did. She (re)discovered the power of alignment, found her way back to her original childlike naiveté, simplicity and freshness of looking at the world and realized that - as I always keep saying - suffering is entirely optional. It took her a while to remember that life is good, that she is good, that it's all good and that what's left is just to enjoy life in the here and now. "Just smile and know", as she says.

Yeah, one of my nieces did some work experience in a local hospice in August this year and I kept conversations like these in mind when talking with her. She will have finished her nursing degree by June of next year and plans for the time being to continue travelling and seeing aspects of the world a little more first hand. 

[Reefs]

Oct 8, 2023 13:17:50 GMT -5 sharon said:

Yeah, one of my nieces did some work experience in a local hospice in August this year and I kept conversations like these in mind when talking with her. She will have finished her nursing degree by June of next year and plans for the time being to continue travelling and seeing aspects of the world a little more first hand. 

In that regard, the Lenny and Roy story she tells in the book is very interesting:

The nursing home was run by a Christian denomination […] and there were many volunteers there as well as staff.

One of the volunteers was a man named Roy who would do the rounds, reading to the residents from the Bible each day. He had offered his services to Lenny months earlier, but Lenny had politely declined. Roy had persisted and offered them on numerous occasions since; each time Lenny politely declined again.

Now that Lenny was in his last days, with no strength to resist, Roy took it on himself to come in every afternoon and read passages from the Bible to him. He read for a long time. Even a well person, one who was totally devoted to Bible study, would have grown a little weary by the end of his daily monotonous delivery. Out of politeness, I also did my best to stay attentive as Roy read on, but sometimes I also nodded off, without meaning to. He read for a very long time.

Even worse was that Roy would then want to discuss the passage he had read with Lenny. As Lenny’s carer, my priority was the wellbeing of my client. So I gently explained that Lenny was only able to speak when he had the energy to and should not be forced, which was true.

[…]

The days were wearing on and other work had been offered to me, but I declined. I wanted to see this beautiful man out, if it worked out that way.

[…]

It was a hectic Thursday afternoon in the bustling suburb. Everything was busy: the roads, the shops, and then the nursing home when I arrived.

[…]

From the moment I walked into Lenny’s room, it was like being in a different world again. I could feel the peace in the semi-darkened room immediately.

[…]

‘It’s been a good life,’ he said quietly as he stirred. ‘It’s been a good life. […] ‘Mmm. A good life,’ he repeated, opening his weary eyes again and smiling at me. Seeing my tears, he squeezed my hand. ‘Don’t you worry, my girl. I’m ready.’ His voice was almost a whisper. ‘Promise me something.’

‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’ His breathing was changing, making it harder for him to talk.

[…]

Then, of course, in walked Roy.

Roy sat on the other side of the bed. He opened his Bible to start reading, but looked to me for approval. I just pulled a face that said, ‘Well, it’s up to you, but I think he’d like the peace.’ He nodded. The Bible stayed open in his hands but he didn’t read. I felt gratitude towards him for respecting the reverence of the moment. It’s not that reading the Bible would not have been a reverent intention. But it wasn’t necessary in the sacredness that already existed.

Lenny reached for my hand with his eyes still closed. I stood up and gave it to him. His breathing was rattling and irregular. I could smell what had now become too familiar to me, but which is impossible to describe. It was the smell of death.

Then opening his eyes, Lenny looked straight at me and smiled. But it wasn’t my mate, Lenny, who I had come to know. It was Lenny and the full glory of his soul. There was no illness or exhaustion in his smile. It was one of a soul completely free of ego and personality. It was pure love, completely free of everything else. Only radiance and joy remained and their shine was almost blinding in their beauty.

I smiled back with honesty as my heart completely burst open. We smiled euphorically, knowing it is all just love in the end. I’d never known such absolutely, uninhibited smiling, given or received. There was nothing in the way. As we both smiled into each other, beaming, time was frozen.

After a while, Lenny closed his eyes and a peaceful smile remained on his lips. My own smile remained. My heart was simply too open to stop beaming.

A couple of minutes later, Lenny’s spirit departed his body. He was gone.

Watching from the other side of the bed, Roy’s life had been transformed. Closing his Bible, he said quietly that he now understood what God’s love looked like and felt he had experienced a miracle seeing Lenny’s peace before passing. I agreed that God works in mysterious ways.

Roy and I sat in the silence for a while longer. The moment would be gone as soon as I notified the staff, which I needed to do before long. When we said goodbye, Roy held my hand for a long time, trying to find the right words, unsure of what to say or how to articulate what had happened. He seemed hesitant to let me go, as if it would pop his balloon if he didn’t have me there to share the story.

‘We’ve been blessed, Roy. That’s all we need to know,’ I said to him gently. He grabbed me and hugged me tightly, like a frightened child, not wanting to be alone with the grandeur of it. ‘You’re going to be alright, Roy.’

‘How do I explain this to anyone?’ he pleaded with me.

‘Perhaps you don’t,’ I smiled. ‘Or perhaps you do. Either way, the same force that just gave us that miracle will be there for you again, to help you say the right words if you need to share them.’

Shaking his head but with a smile of joy he said, ‘My life will never be the same.’


Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

[sharon]

Oct 8, 2023 23:28:36 GMT -5 Reefs said:

Oct 8, 2023 13:17:50 GMT -5 sharon said:

Yeah, one of my nieces did some work experience in a local hospice in August this year and I kept conversations like these in mind when talking with her. She will have finished her nursing degree by June of next year and plans for the time being to continue travelling and seeing aspects of the world a little more first hand. 

In that regard, the Lenny and Roy story she tells in the book is very interesting:

The nursing home was run by a Christian denomination […] and there were many volunteers there as well as staff.

One of the volunteers was a man named Roy who would do the rounds, reading to the residents from the Bible each day. He had offered his services to Lenny months earlier, but Lenny had politely declined. Roy had persisted and offered them on numerous occasions since; each time Lenny politely declined again.

Now that Lenny was in his last days, with no strength to resist, Roy took it on himself to come in every afternoon and read passages from the Bible to him. He read for a long time. Even a well person, one who was totally devoted to Bible study, would have grown a little weary by the end of his daily monotonous delivery. Out of politeness, I also did my best to stay attentive as Roy read on, but sometimes I also nodded off, without meaning to. He read for a very long time.

Even worse was that Roy would then want to discuss the passage he had read with Lenny. As Lenny’s carer, my priority was the wellbeing of my client. So I gently explained that Lenny was only able to speak when he had the energy to and should not be forced, which was true.

[…]

The days were wearing on and other work had been offered to me, but I declined. I wanted to see this beautiful man out, if it worked out that way.

[…]

It was a hectic Thursday afternoon in the bustling suburb. Everything was busy: the roads, the shops, and then the nursing home when I arrived.

[…]

From the moment I walked into Lenny’s room, it was like being in a different world again. I could feel the peace in the semi-darkened room immediately.

[…]

‘It’s been a good life,’ he said quietly as he stirred. ‘It’s been a good life. […] ‘Mmm. A good life,’ he repeated, opening his weary eyes again and smiling at me. Seeing my tears, he squeezed my hand. ‘Don’t you worry, my girl. I’m ready.’ His voice was almost a whisper. ‘Promise me something.’

‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’ His breathing was changing, making it harder for him to talk.

[…]

Then, of course, in walked Roy.

Roy sat on the other side of the bed. He opened his Bible to start reading, but looked to me for approval. I just pulled a face that said, ‘Well, it’s up to you, but I think he’d like the peace.’ He nodded. The Bible stayed open in his hands but he didn’t read. I felt gratitude towards him for respecting the reverence of the moment. It’s not that reading the Bible would not have been a reverent intention. But it wasn’t necessary in the sacredness that already existed.

Lenny reached for my hand with his eyes still closed. I stood up and gave it to him. His breathing was rattling and irregular. I could smell what had now become too familiar to me, but which is impossible to describe. It was the smell of death.

Then opening his eyes, Lenny looked straight at me and smiled. But it wasn’t my mate, Lenny, who I had come to know. It was Lenny and the full glory of his soul. There was no illness or exhaustion in his smile. It was one of a soul completely free of ego and personality. It was pure love, completely free of everything else. Only radiance and joy remained and their shine was almost blinding in their beauty.

I smiled back with honesty as my heart completely burst open. We smiled euphorically, knowing it is all just love in the end. I’d never known such absolutely, uninhibited smiling, given or received. There was nothing in the way. As we both smiled into each other, beaming, time was frozen.

After a while, Lenny closed his eyes and a peaceful smile remained on his lips. My own smile remained. My heart was simply too open to stop beaming.

A couple of minutes later, Lenny’s spirit departed his body. He was gone.

Watching from the other side of the bed, Roy’s life had been transformed. Closing his Bible, he said quietly that he now understood what God’s love looked like and felt he had experienced a miracle seeing Lenny’s peace before passing. I agreed that God works in mysterious ways.

Roy and I sat in the silence for a while longer. The moment would be gone as soon as I notified the staff, which I needed to do before long. When we said goodbye, Roy held my hand for a long time, trying to find the right words, unsure of what to say or how to articulate what had happened. He seemed hesitant to let me go, as if it would pop his balloon if he didn’t have me there to share the story.

‘We’ve been blessed, Roy. That’s all we need to know,’ I said to him gently. He grabbed me and hugged me tightly, like a frightened child, not wanting to be alone with the grandeur of it. ‘You’re going to be alright, Roy.’

‘How do I explain this to anyone?’ he pleaded with me.

‘Perhaps you don’t,’ I smiled. ‘Or perhaps you do. Either way, the same force that just gave us that miracle will be there for you again, to help you say the right words if you need to share them.’

Shaking his head but with a smile of joy he said, ‘My life will never be the same.’


Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Perfection.

[andrew]

I experience sadness at times, and I'm not sure I can separate sadness totally from regret.

But what I'm seeing in the last 24 hours, is that 'revenge' is more problematic (and useless) than regret.

[inavalan]

‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’ 

Sorry. That is so not true.

[inavalan]

I believe neither one is constructive. Regret is negativity and, when untended, will escalate and cause pain and suffering to the one that regrets. Revenge is an even further step on that escalation. You need to start with adopting a proper attitude, then make proper choices. The present is the point of power

[andrew]

Oct 9, 2023 11:43:05 GMT -5 inavalan said:

I believe neither one is constructive. Regret is negativity and, when untended, will escalate and cause pain and suffering to the one that regrets. Revenge is an even further step on that escalation. You need to start with adopting a proper attitude, then make proper choices. The present is the point of power

I think that depends what we are trying to construct. If regret is part of sadness, then honoring that sadness could be seen as 'constructive', if inner wholeness is the goal.

Living a life of regrets...I would say is destructive.