Here's a story. I have made up part of it, but much of it is true.
A woman from Germany, named Gerta (not her real name), grew up imagining that happiness would be meeting a wonderful man (a knight in shining armor), getting married, having children, and living an enjoyable life. She met such a man, and they got married, but life was not what she expected, and her husband had many faults. They argued and fought and ultimately separated. Gerta became very unhappy, but she decided that she was just unlucky, and that Mr. Right was still out there somewhere waiting to be discovered. A year later she met Mr. Right, but before they could get married she realized that he was really Mr. Wrong, and they split.
At this point she became seriously disillusioned, and she began to wonder what was wrong with her. What was wrong with her view of the world? What should she be doing with her life? She began to question the validity of everything she had assumed about the world, and she began taking self-help courses and studying psychology. Eventually she turned to spirituality, and began studying different religions, hoping to find answers to her many questions.
During her search for answers she met a man who shared her passion for finding the truth. He was not perfect, but she had finally realized that perfection was asking for too much in a human being. He wasn’t perfect, but he was kind, generous, intellectual, and rich, and they shared a great deal in common. Eventually they got married, but after the joy of connubial bliss wore off, they continued on their search for the truth.
Because the man was rich, they were able to investigate dozens of different paths that supposedly would lead them to the truth. They tried yoga, EST, rolfing, primal scream therapy, and lots of other new age therapies. They got psychoanalyzed, counseled, hypnotized, reflexologized, and past life regressioned. They had their fortunes read, and visited lots of spiritual advisors, but they found no lasting satisfaction.
At some point in their search they heard about non-duality, and learned about many world-famous teachers who had supposedly become enlightened. They read about Ramana and Nisargadatta and many other dead masters, but their interest quickly shifted to masters who were still alive. They concluded that a living master might be able to enlighten them, and enlightenment was what they set for themselves as their ultimate goal. Enlightenment offered the only hope they could imagine of lasting peace and happiness.
The first master they visited lived in Germany, but when they went to visit him, they were disappointed because he did not live up to their expectations. Worse, he expected them to meditate every day for several hours, and they didn't want to do that. Then they heard about Ramesh Balsekar, who was then 97 years old and living in Bombay. They quickly booked a flight to India and went to visit Ramesh. They stayed at a nearby hotel and visited Ramesh every day for two weeks. Gerta's husband liked Ramesh's teaching very much, but his teaching didn't resonate with Gerta. To her he seemed much too intellectual. Gerta's husband accepted Ramesh as his guru while Gerta was left to fend for herself.
After their two weeks in Bombay, they returned to Germany, but Gerta was deeply disenchanted. Her husband seemed happy reading books by Ramesh, and felt that it was only a matter of time before Ramesh's teachings would lead to his awakening. Gerta, meanwhile, felt all alone and alienated.
One day Gerta was browsing in the non-duality section of her favorite bookstore when she saw a picture of an American guru, a woman named "Gangaji." She picked up the book with Gangaji's picture on the cover and frantically began reading. Within five minutes she knew that she had to meet Gangaji in person, and because she was rich, she intended to do so. She went home, told her husband that she was going to America, and booked a flight to a western state where Gangaji had an upcoming retreat scheduled.
She went to the retreat, and upon seeing Gangaji and listening to her speak instantly fell in love with her. For three days she sat in rapt attention at the satsangs soaking up everything Gangaji was saying. On the fourth day, when Gangaji invited individuals to come on stage and speak with her, Gerta raised her hand and was chosen. She sat down opposite Gangaji and said, "I saw you on the cover of a book in Germany, and I had to come here." Gangaji replied with a laugh, "Well, that was the purpose of the book." The audience laughed, and then Gerta continued, "I knew I had to come here, but now that I'm here I'm totally confused."
Gangaji laughed again and said, "Wonderful! This means that the structures of thought are starting to collapse." Gerta, in an almost painful lament replied, "But I don't understand anything anymore!" Gangaji said, "Yes, and that is wonderful. You no longer understand anything. Can you stay in that not-understanding place without trying to run away from it? Can you BE that not-understanding? Can you allow yourself to be totally confused and totally ignorant?" Gerta nodded her affirmation, but was so overcome with emotion that she began to cry. Gangaji handed her a kleenex, turned to the audience, and said, "Not understanding can be a beautiful thing."
Gerta spent the rest of the retreat in a state of bliss and joy, alternately laughing and
crying. After the retreat ended, she returned to Germany where she told her husband about her amazing experience in America. Her husband asked, "What did you learn?" Gerta replied, "The world is pure love, and I am pure love. Gangaji showed me the truth."
Gerta's husband was very surprised because his wife had never before been so emotional. He began to think that he was missing something important by relying on the teachings of Ramesh. His understanding was dry and intellectual whereas his wife had become vibrantly alive. He began to second-guess his decision to accept Ramesh as his guru.
Gerta lived in a state of bliss for more than a month, but then she began to wonder exactly what she had learned, and how she could transmit her learning and her experiences to other people. She felt that she had attained something monumentally significant in the presence of Gangaji, but as she reflected upon what that attainment might be, she became confused because she didn’t know what it was. She became consumed with doubts. She couldn't explain what had happened, even to herself. As she spent more and more time thinking about her experiences and trying to understand them, her bliss began to evaporate, and as her bliss dissolved, she grew frantic and anxious. She was positive something wonderful had happened, but she didn't know what it was. Within another two weeks, she became depressed and wondered if she had blown a lifetime opportunity. She realized that the old Gerta had returned, and her blissful state of being had disappeared. Whatever she had attained had somehow been lost.
After several weeks of reflectivity and increasing unhappiness, she knew that she must once again go see Gangaji. Her husband was understanding because he could see that the once-vibrant Gerta had been replaced by a severely depressed Gerta. He gave his blessings, Gerta booked a flight, and she flew to a Gangaji retreat in Hawaii. As soon as she arrived, she told some of Gangaji's followers how important it was that she be allowed to talk with Gangaji. Gangaji, however, refused to see her in private. Two days later, during a satsang, Gangaji invited Gerta back onstage with her. As soon as Gerta took her seat, she blurted out the story that was tearing her apart.
She said, "When I was on retreat with you two months ago, I didn;t understand anything. I was totally confused, but I was happy in my confusion and non-understanding. I was happy the whole time I was with you, and I was happy for several weeks after I returned home, but then something happened, and all my happiness went away. Today I'm more confused than ever, but I'm also depressed and full of fear. I don’t know where my happiness went after I went home. What did I do wrong? What must I do to get back the happiness I felt for several weeks?"
Gangaji looked at Gerta and then slowly and seriously asked, "What did you do differently when you went home to your ordinary life than what you did when you were with me two months ago? That is what you need to investigate."
Rather than explain anything, I think I'll leave the story precisely at this point. This is the human drama of the path to enlightenment played out in the role of a real person. What is it that Gerta failed to understand? What was she overlooking? If Gerta asked you to explain how she might escape her predicament, what would you say to her? What could you say that might point her in the direction of freedom?
Here's a story. I have made up part of it, but much of it is true.
A woman from Germany, named Gerta (not her real name), grew up imagining that happiness would be meeting a wonderful man (a knight in shining armor), getting married, having children, and living an enjoyable life. She met such a man, and they got married, but life was not what she expected, and her husband had many faults. They argued and fought and ultimately separated. Gerta became very unhappy, but she decided that she was just unlucky, and that Mr. Right was still out there somewhere waiting to be discovered. A year later she met Mr. Right, but before they could get married she realized that he was really Mr. Wrong, and they split.
At this point she became seriously disillusioned, and she began to wonder what was wrong with her. What was wrong with her view of the world? What should she be doing with her life? She began to question the validity of everything she had assumed about the world, and she began taking self-help courses and studying psychology. Eventually she turned to spirituality, and began studying different religions, hoping to find answers to her many questions.
During her search for answers she met a man who shared her passion for finding the truth. He was not perfect, but she had finally realized that perfection was asking for too much in a human being. He wasn’t perfect, but he was kind, generous, intellectual, and rich, and they shared a great deal in common. Eventually they got married, but after the joy of connubial bliss wore off, they continued on their search for the truth.
Because the man was rich, they were able to investigate dozens of different paths that supposedly would lead them to the truth. They tried yoga, EST, rolfing, primal scream therapy, and lots of other new age therapies. They got psychoanalyzed, counseled, hypnotized, reflexologized, and past life regressioned. They had their fortunes read, and visited lots of spiritual advisors, but they found no lasting satisfaction.
At some point in their search they heard about non-duality, and learned about many world-famous teachers who had supposedly become enlightened. They read about Ramana and Nisargadatta and many other dead masters, but their interest quickly shifted to masters who were still alive. They concluded that a living master might be able to enlighten them, and enlightenment was what they set for themselves as their ultimate goal. Enlightenment offered the only hope they could imagine of lasting peace and happiness.
The first master they visited lived in Germany, but when they went to visit him, they were disappointed because he did not live up to their expectations. Worse, he expected them to meditate every day for several hours, and they didn't want to do that. Then they heard about Ramesh Balsekar, who was then 97 years old and living in Bombay. They quickly booked a flight to India and went to visit Ramesh. They stayed at a nearby hotel and visited Ramesh every day for two weeks. Gerta's husband liked Ramesh's teaching very much, but his teaching didn't resonate with Gerta. To her he seemed much too intellectual. Gerta's husband accepted Ramesh as his guru while Gerta was left to fend for herself.
After their two weeks in Bombay, they returned to Germany, but Gerta was deeply disenchanted. Her husband seemed happy reading books by Ramesh, and felt that it was only a matter of time before Ramesh's teachings would lead to his awakening. Gerta, meanwhile, felt all alone and alienated.
One day Gerta was browsing in the non-duality section of her favorite bookstore when she saw a picture of an American guru, a woman named "Gangaji." She picked up the book with Gangaji's picture on the cover and frantically began reading. Within five minutes she knew that she had to meet Gangaji in person, and because she was rich, she intended to do so. She went home, told her husband that she was going to America, and booked a flight to a western state where Gangaji had an upcoming retreat scheduled.
She went to the retreat, and upon seeing Gangaji and listening to her speak instantly fell in love with her. For three days she sat in rapt attention at the satsangs soaking up everything Gangaji was saying. On the fourth day, when Gangaji invited individuals to come on stage and speak with her, Gerta raised her hand and was chosen. She sat down opposite Gangaji and said, "I saw you on the cover of a book in Germany, and I had to come here." Gangaji replied with a laugh, "Well, that was the purpose of the book." The audience laughed, and then Gerta continued, "I knew I had to come here, but now that I'm here I'm totally confused."
Gangaji laughed again and said, "Wonderful! This means that the structures of thought are starting to collapse." Gerta, in an almost painful lament replied, "But I don't understand anything anymore!" Gangaji said, "Yes, and that is wonderful. You no longer understand anything. Can you stay in that not-understanding place without trying to run away from it? Can you BE that not-understanding? Can you allow yourself to be totally confused and totally ignorant?" Gerta nodded her affirmation, but was so overcome with emotion that she began to cry. Gangaji handed her a kleenex, turned to the audience, and said, "Not understanding can be a beautiful thing."
Gerta spent the rest of the retreat in a state of bliss and joy, and alternatively laughing and
crying. After the retreat ended, she returned to Germany where she told her husband about her amazing experience in America. Her husband asked, "What did you learn?" Gerta replied, "The world is pure love, and I am pure love. Gangaji showed me the truth."
Gerta's husband was very surprised because his wife had never before been so emotional. He began to think that he was missing something important by relying on the teachings of Ramesh. His understanding was dry and intellectual whereas his wife had become vibrantly alive. He began to second-guess his decision to accept Ramesh as his guru.
Gerta lived in a state of bliss for more than a month, but then she began to wonder exactly what she had learned, and how she could transmit her learning and her experiences to other people. She felt that she had attained something monumentally significant in the presence of Gangaji, but as she reflected upon what that attainment might be, she became confused because she didn’t know what it was. She became consumed with doubts. She couldn't explain what had happened, even to herself. As she spent more and more time thinking about her experiences and trying to understand them, her bliss began to evaporate, and as her bliss dissolved, she grew frantic and anxious. She was positive something wonderful had happened, but she didn't know what it was. Within another two weeks, she became depressed and wondered if she had blown a lifetime opportunity. She realized that the old Gerta had returned, and her blissful state of being had disappeared. Whatever she had attained had somehow been lost.
After several weeks of reflectivity and increasing unhappiness, she knew that she must once again go see Gangaji. Her husband was understanding because he could see that the once-vibrant Gerta had been replaced by a severely depressed Gerta. He gave his blessings, Gerta booked a flight, and she flew to a Gangaji retreat in Hawaii. As soon as she arrived, she told some of Gangaji's followers how important it was that she be allowed to talk with Gangaji. Gangaji, however, refused to see her in private. Two days later, during a satsang, Gangaji invited Gerta back onstage with her. As soon as Gerta took her seat, she blurted out the story that was tearing her apart.
She said, "When I was on retreat with you two months ago, I didn;t understand anything. I was totally confused, but I was happy in my confusion and non-understanding. I was happy the whole time I was with you, and I was happy for several weeks after I returned home, but then something happened, and all my happiness went away. Today I'm more confused than ever, but I'm also depressed and full of fear. I don’t know where my happiness went after I went home. What did I do wrong? What must I do to get back the happiness I felt for several weeks?"
Gangaji looked at Gerta and then slowly and seriously asked, "What did you do differently when you went home to your ordinary life than what you did when you were with me two months ago? That is what you need to investigate."
Rather than explain anything, I think I'll leave the story precisely at this point. This is the human drama of the path to enlightenment played out in the role of a real person. What is it that Gerta failed to understand? What was she overlooking? If Gerta asked you to explain how she might escape her predicament, what would you say to her? What could you say that might point her in the direction of freedom?
I don't know ZD! I just tried to remember what it was I felt in with Unmani and it was silence, awareness.
Am probably missing the point?
