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Post by lightmystic on Feb 1, 2010 11:48:49 GMT -5
Yes, it's definitely a real process, because the recognition that the thoughts are not true are being worked out at the deep emotional/visceral/instinctual level. It's powerful when that stuff starts to get worked out, and that's the kind of thing that brings lasting freedom. Because what is thought of as status quo is actually a deep resistance to life..... And, yes, resisting the feelings is the way in which we resist life, so the more allowing there is, the more of a chance there is for the resistances to unwind, and the freer we become. The more free we become, the better chance we have of seeing what has been going on this whole time, which means seeing through the mind's illusions... I am learning to close emotional distance with others and what really rocked me was how quick separating thoughts can come. I have learned that these thoughts are just the mind trying to keep control and protect the heart. I understand now why loving who ever is in your life at this moment is a perfect way to undo the ego. Any self defense or walls you have built from previous pains in life come to the surface in nanoseconds. Just the thought of accepting someone with all their faults and not wanting them to change triggers thoughts of everything you want them to change and what you don't like. I guess its the same with any reality. The mind looks to change what is instead of accept. Except the worst pains most people have felt emotionally in life is from other people so by accepting and loving those closest to you and bring them closer challenges your deep fear of losing emotional control and being vulnerable to deep emotional pain. I know the advaita types can say just see you are the sun and all these thoughts are just clouds and there is not anything to seek or do they haven't experience this type of resistance I have coming from some childhood traumas. There is no doubt there is work to do to clear enough clouds away to see the sun. |
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Post by lightmystic on Feb 1, 2010 11:51:24 GMT -5
Hey loverofall, Whatever gets you permanently freer at a rate you are happy with is good. Just make sure you are being nice to yourself in this process. This stuff is hard enough as it is without the additional pain of being hard on ourselves. Being hard on ourselves just slows us down.... At their deepest level, our feelings are our direction, our pointer on which way to go, and what part of ourselves to attend to at each moment..... I haven't been posting because I have been working hard on this. What I mean by working hard is challening patterns I have in place. I push myself to be uncomfortable. This is a path of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. I won't call a feeling bad anymore since that creates resistance and a desire to be rid of the feeling. Uncomfortable feelings are that and they can be welcomed. As soon as resistance appears, I am being grateful for the resistance and does that push you through patterns quicker. If I start coasting by looking for distraction I pull myself back to now by saying "I want this". I also have realized how much I think I own feelings and thoughts and as soon as I think I don't own this body, this feeling, this sensation, it becomes much easier to let go. Doing the uncomfortable and desiring it seems to be working because my mind has quieted down so much. Things that used to bother me are getting less and less and if they do bother me I get excited because it is an opportunity to welcome another uncomfortable feeling. I can see now how the mind wants to get rid of pain all the time with any distracting thought, feeling or behavior. (on another note I lost 20lbs learning to not use food as relief). I was amazed at how much I use thinking about food, eating food and feeling full as ways to trap feelings. Its been wild but great. Cheers! |
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Post by maggie on Feb 1, 2010 15:16:15 GMT -5
Its been an interesting moment for this lately...My father is feeling his mortal condition ready to shift....as in dying..., there is a strange falseness about it all...anyway we had a rough start together, sure that I asked for help in the form that he has provided. However it looked like alcoholic, absent Dad, Mom with 3 kids...all the stuff that goes with, feeling abandoned and destined to repeat the behavior by self infliction from there on... On the way sobriety, and a knowledge that I would have done the same given my alcoholism, I just did not have children. So here he is on the phone asking me to love him and to forgive him, as he approaches the end of life. I tell him I love him and I make sure he knows that I experience him doing the best he could, even feel he did great, its so wierd! This conversation ends and I sit alone and feel this sadness overtake me and let it....it felt so good just to let it the hell in! I feel more sadness today mingled with this feeling of love, pure love and nostalgia for the whole dang condition. This thing is escalating as I seem to spend more and more "time" in the "see through mode" not knowing what to call it...however strange, different and beautiful sums it up pretty well...my lover too seems to be going on, due to cancer and the temptation is to believe in separation, to feel the loss to the personality, (Maggie) then that shifts and I just feel the sadness again...the real noticing is that I let my Dad and my lover IN.......something I could never do before, for fear of being hurt...which felt like death to me. Now it feels like life. Thanks for such a place to bare a soul................Maggie
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Post by lightmystic on Feb 2, 2010 11:18:16 GMT -5
Beautiful maggie! Nothing is more transformative or beautiful than grief....it sets us free....
The more space and time we allow ourselves to grieve without trying to make it "okay" or to get out of it, is the most powerful way to transform our whole lives.....
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Post by zendancer on Feb 2, 2010 11:32:25 GMT -5
Maggie: Wonderful post! Underneath everything is love.
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Post by klaus on Feb 2, 2010 20:42:42 GMT -5
maggie,
The act of letting them in is unconditional love.
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Post by maggie on Feb 3, 2010 12:10:39 GMT -5
Thank you L.M., Z.D. and Klaus....thank you, thank you, thank you, when I try to say anything else it feels fake... Last night I was at a dear friends house for meditation, afterwards I started to tell her about my Dad and I related the experience with Dad and Boyfriend D.J. dying, first time telling anyone face to face. As I spoke about Dad this HUGE something overtook me and I burst into tears....sobbing kind, not something this would normally do, even opening up on forum is different. Anyway in that moment this knowing was I had been wrong about Dad! He is NOT what I ever thought he is, was.....never ever never.....Seen is love, pure light none of what was thought he did and did not do is true..... then this am it spread out to "THIS" and to all of IT....unravelling......what the? what a surprise "Maggie"
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Post by zendancer on Feb 3, 2010 13:04:40 GMT -5
Maggie: You have indeed been blessed. Most people never see into the true nature of who we are. I shed some tears just reading your account. No, your father is not who you thought he was. It was only a costume. Underneath it is pure love all the way down.
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Post by lightmystic on Feb 4, 2010 11:31:10 GMT -5
Ah, beautiful! Thank you L.M., Z.D. and Klaus....thank you, thank you, thank you, when I try to say anything else it feels fake... Last night I was at a dear friends house for meditation, afterwards I started to tell her about my Dad and I related the experience with Dad and Boyfriend D.J. dying, first time telling anyone face to face. As I spoke about Dad this HUGE something overtook me and I burst into tears....sobbing kind, not something this would normally do, even opening up on forum is different. Anyway in that moment this knowing was I had been wrong about Dad! He is NOT what I ever thought he is, was.....never ever never.....Seen is love, pure light none of what was thought he did and did not do is true..... then this am it spread out to "THIS" and to all of IT....unravelling......what the? what a surprise "Maggie" |
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Post by loverofall on Mar 13, 2010 18:30:30 GMT -5
Fear and desire popped up in the news last week about financial markets like it was a new discovery. I get a kick out of that because Christianity and Buddhism is all about letting go of fear and desire. Most people don't realize how sneaky the ego is at just hopping to new fears and desires.
I then started thinking how fear and desire tie into all of these other things on this path.
Forgiving and accepting and letting go and loving are all the same thing and basically they are pointers to the opposite feelings of fear and desire. Even sitting in silence is letting go of fear and desire.
Just ranting on some new insights for me.
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Post by maggie on Mar 20, 2010 11:22:53 GMT -5
OMG Loverofall and ZD Thanks...I am in the middle of yet another episode of looking directly at some more crap that lives under the surface, fear, attachment, misc. assorted thinking this is unlovable etc....So some great questions came up "What is it that suffers?" "What is it that is unlovable?" I am sitting in it and noticing the desire to run, to do something, anything.....Wow....okay now here come these posts by you two......and this pocket of fear after so much light/Joy as of late......
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Post by maggie on Mar 20, 2010 13:32:00 GMT -5
A series of events that led so quickly to release....First my A Course in Miracles lesson was ...Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved....It suggested a practice of asking what the problem is and what is the answer....silently waiting for the Answer.....of course this is exactly what I did....then things began to happen physically felt in my head and on my face the bridge of my nose....just staying with this for some time.....Later laundry was done and still the koan was ongoing .....still later I picked up a book I am reading....Collision with the Infinite and on page 131 Suzanne speaks of the idea that there must be a problem, something wrong if fear is present and how she experienced in that moment ALL THAT MEANT WAS THAT FEAR WAS PRESENT ...nothing more .........Holy crap!!! as I burst into a fit of laughter.....
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Post by zendancer on Mar 20, 2010 14:00:23 GMT -5
Maggie: Great insight. An enlightened friend of mine recently said, "Enlightenment doesn't necessarily mean the end of all fear; it means the end of being afraid of fear. Everything is allowed in, even fear." Usually, when fear is allowed in and fully felt, it evaporates.
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Post by lightmystic on Mar 21, 2010 13:13:20 GMT -5
Maggie and ZD: Beautiful!
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Post by loverofall on Mar 22, 2010 22:28:51 GMT -5
Well now comes waves of good feelings this weekend. Dare I say it felt like real love and peace but at this point I don't even like labeling any feeling. It was triggered by connecting with others. It seems like feelings are loosening up with all this letting go and feel the I scam. All I know it was very good and I was more content than I have been in a long long time. It was hard to not try to hold on to the good. Maybe even harder than trying to embrace that bad. Interesting experience. I know all states come and go just finally some really good ones. LOL.
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I am learning to close emotional distance with others and what really rocked me was how quick separating thoughts can come. I have learned that these thoughts are just the mind trying to keep control and protect the heart.