Dealing with a Spiritual Emergency

[souley]

There was a time when we were cradled one on one
And now I find that all creation is undone
I'm throwing out all of these thoughts that are not mine
I'm building up you're coming down I'm losing time

And now I've found some solid ground
I thought I'd drowned but now I'm found
And on the lips of life I kiss
I find I'm here this place of bliss

It's better now you'll find that life is on your side
And you know of glory days the vibe you cannot hide
I'm giving you the chance to make it all alright
Baby come on walk with me I know the futures bright

When you dream of themes that drive you to feel insincere
Think again you know that all those feelings are just fear
When you're trilled by ego hits you think you're on a high
You should know deep down inside it never satisfies


Syntax - Bliss

[zendancer]

Peter: You may have misinterpreted much of what I was trying to communicate in my earlier post. I had read your blog, and was expressing my genuine concern for your health and well-being. I was saying that what you were calling "a spiritual emergency" might not have anything to do with spirituality, and might be nothing more than a temporary psychosis triggered by lack of sleep and bizarre out-of-control ideation. I do not see mental problems (panic attacks, depression, phobias, manias, psychoses, etc) in any stigmatizing sense at all. On the contrary, as a scientist, I see mental problems in the same way I see physical problems--something that may require a simple medical form of treatment, whether vitamins, drugs, or a change in lifestyle (more sleep, etc). Gangaji and numerous Zen Masters have addressed this issue, and most of them distinguish between spiritual experiences and medical/mental health-related experiences. During one of her public talks, I remember Gangaji saying, "I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor, and if you (anyone in the audience) are suffering from some form of neurosis or psychosis, I suggest you go to see a physician for evaluation. You may need to be taking a drug for some condition you have, and if so, that is another issue beyond what I'm discussing here."

After I read your blog, it seemed to me that you had experienced some extremely bizarre ideation coupled with a fair degree of abnormal-functionality. Before becoming defensive about this statement, let me explain where I'm coming from with this.

Thirty-five years ago I experienced two panic attacks and almost became non-functional as a result of extreme stress and lack of sleep, so I have an intimate familiarity with how the mind can react when the body is "in extremis." I went to my doctor who then sent me to see a psychiatrist. I asked the psychiatrist a simple question, "What could have caused me to have these panic attacks?" The doctor replied by asking me about my sex life, and I laughed. I said, "I don't think it can get any better. What else might have caused such attacks?" The doctor replied, "Well, these attacks might have been caused by early childhood issues, and it might require some extensive psychotherapy to understand them." I looked at the guy as if he were a total imbecile. I thought to myself, "I had a super-happy childhood, and I had no problems for thirty years. It is clear that something strange is going on, but this guy doesn't have a clue." I left his office and went to a bookstore where I bought an armload of books about mental illness because I knew that I was mentally ill to some degree.

After reading those books, I had a pretty good idea of what had happened to me, and I realized that the field of psychiatry was still in the dark ages. At that time, if you were unlucky enough to go to a Freudian, then your problems were all going to be sex-related. If you were unlucky enough to go to childhood trauma psychiatrist, then all of your problems were going to be related to early childhood traumas. If you were unlucky enough to go to a cognitive therapist, then all of your problems were going to be caused by your thinking. The psychiatrist I went to never even asked me about my lifestyle or general health because he thought that every mental health problem was the result of either sex or childhood stuff. I concluded that psychiatrists at that time needed a good dose of general science.

The books that made the most sense to me included "Orthomolecular Psychiatry" and "Nutrition and the Mind." Those books led me to visit some doctors in Birmingham, AL that were doing research on nutrition, mega-vitamins, lifestyle, and mental illness. I learned so much during the next month that I went back to my doctor and asked him to perform a wide variety of medical tests (glucose tolerance test, SMA 24, etc). I learned about the Hoffer-Osmond Diagnostic Test, got a copy, and tested myself. The HO Test is a questionnaire with a long list of statements. You answer true or false to the statements, add up the results, and get a score. Some typical questions are:

1. I jump when I hear loud noises.
2. I do not sleep well.
3. When I look at my face in a mirror, sometimes I only see part of it.
4. I hear voices in my head.
5. I am always calm and relaxed.
6. I have suicidal thoughts.
7. I have feelings of grandeur.
8. There are people watching me.

A person suffering from schizophrenia will score very high on the test whereas a normal person will score very low. I scored in the mid-range showing that I was under a lot of stress and susceptible to more panic attacks. (I was so nervous at that time that I couldn;t handle the stress of driving a stick-shift car! I had irrational fears that the woods behind my house were full of bears, and I was so sensitive that any kind of noise made me nearly jump out of my skin.) After getting all of my medical test results back (showing strange carbohydrate metabolism, etc), and diagnosing myself, I concluded that sleep deprivation, lack of food, and heavy stress had caused my exhaustion and panic attacks. I began taking mega-vitamins, went for long walks, cut out a lot of job-related stress, and made sure that I got plenty of sleep. As time went by, and my body began to recover, I took the HO Test several times, and found that my score was steadily dropping each week. Eventually, the jumpiness ended, the anxiety disappeared, the bizarre ideation ceased (no more fear of bears--LOL), and I gradually got back to a normal and unstressed state of mind.

That was thirty-five years ago. In the meantime there have been huge changes in the psychiatric profession. Insurance no longer wants to pay for long-term psychotherapy, so the emphasis today is on treating all mental illness with drugs. Why? Because its cheap and fast. The vitamin advocates are still on the fringe and not accepted by rank and file doctors, and most doctors still neglect to ask people about their lifestyle. The general approach today is to treat people suffering from depression or anxiety with an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug. I find it interesting that in one study regular aerobic exercise was just as effective in curing depression as drugs for most people.

As for the other three experiences I mentioned, let's consider each of them in turn. During an initial kensho experience, my perception of the world was significantly altered for more than twenty minutes and I forgot my own name. Afterwards, I often thought of that experience as somewhat "psychotic" (because it seemed to involved a break with ordinary reality), but Flora Courtois, who wrote "An Experience of Enlightenment," strongly objected to my use of the term "psychotic." She had had the same kind of experience that I had had, and she thought that the word "psychotic" should only be used in cases where someone is unable to return to normal functioning in a fairly short period of time. She convinced me to stop using the term because what we both experienced did not fit the medical model of what that word implies.

The man who woke up in the middle of the night and had a laughing fit had the same sort of experience both Courtois and I had. He was not "out of his mind" in the same sense that psychologists and psychiatrists refer to as "psychotic." He was back to normal within thirty minutes, even though he remained euphoric for several days (also like Courtois and me).

The experience I had at my first Zen retreat seemed more in line with your experiences. I hadn't had much sleep, and after that breakthrough, my thoughts became somewhat bizarre, and I was on something like a sugar high. I was flooded with energy, lost all desire to sleep, and each new thought precipitated more thoughts. Some of the thoughts made sense and several (seen in retrospect) did not. I was certain that I had become enlightened, but the next day I came crashing back to earth after my dramatic encounter with the Zen Master who was conducting the retreat. If I had continued in that initial manic state of mind for another few days without sleep, then I, too, might have ended up walking in circles, scribbling equations, and getting shot up with haldol in order to bring me back down to earth. In other words, I can see how a genuine spiritual experience could lead to psychosis if it were coupled with sleep deprivation or other additional kinds of stress. In such a case, a drug might be the only thing that would bring a person back to normal.

Do you see what I'm pointing to here? I'm saying that taking a drug may or may not have anything to do with one's spiritual life. In some cases a drug may be the most appropriate way to help someone. I was not feeling pity for you; I was remembering my own experiences with mental symptoms thirty-five years ago, expressing my concern, and saying that the medical personnel you encountered were probably doing what was necessary to bring you down to earth. Do you think, today, that what they did was wrong? If so, how do you think people should have responded to your behavior, and do you think you would have returned to normal if you had not been forced to take a rest? I'm not being judgemental here; I'm just trying to understand your current thinking about this issue and sharing some of my experiences that I think may be pertinent.

[karen]

Admitting to being defensive here too takes guts. Only just recently have I been able to be that vulnerable (same as not propping up ego) too.

[dramos]

I want to share my personal experience to this thread. Mental illness is genetic in my family, one could say it is a "family tradition"...LOL. However I became the first, that I know of, to get help.

I had issues early in life (being able to look back I know now what was going on). Later in my business life, I was one who always "reached for the stars". I held management positions within the places that I worked at. The last company I worked for I was "top dog" next to the owner of the construction business. He would go out and bring in the contracts, it was up to me to see them through. At the peak, right before I broke, I had about 10 employees and half dozen sub-contractors, smaller company but we remained busy. However, these things never truly satisfied my life. I began having extreme issues once again.

Back in 1999 is when I mentally broke. I had racing thoughts, couldn't concentrate or focus on anything, pacing in circles. I remember going to work the one morning, going to my boss and letting him know that I was going to the doctors because I felt like I was losing my mind. How true that was. I went to the doctors, he saw how strange I was acting. He then asked if I was on drugs, nope not at all. He stepped out for a few moments came back in and started asking me some questions. I had said yes to all of them, my mind started to let go. He had called an ambulance in to take me to the hospital, I remember sitting in the ER, the nurse came to take me to my room, from that point I do not remember anything, I was in a psychotic episode for about 2 days. They were pumping me up on drugs. I finally started coming back, though I was still having minor episodes. When I became more coherent I began asking what the hell was going on. They told me I was bouncing off the walls, I didn't hurt anyone but they just kept their eye on me. A few days later, for some reason, I just had this rage in me. I began beating on doors and flying off the handle, I didn't touch anyone but the staff decided it was time for me to put in solitary, of which had cameras. That pissed me off more, ( I laugh about it now, it is kinda funny). I took the bed, moved it over to each camera, took the pillow covers and put them on the cameras....haha... that'll fix you...watch my butt. Next thing you know two staff members came in the door and asked what I thought I was doing, as I approached them I noticed two others waiting outside the door, I asked those two if I could help them. ( I was quite brazen at the time, no fear what so ever). So they put me in another room without cameras.

My original diagnosis was Bi-polar. However I kept having issues to the point that I had to be placed in the State Hospital, four months. I am actually glad for that, I needed that time away from the outside world. I needed that time to rediscover myself. I got a final diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder. I am glad for the drugs that were used to help bring me back to focus.

Looking back I know it became a Spiritual emergency, things needed to happen the way they did for a reason. All those years of "silencing" who I truly was became I constant struggle within. As the time passes I realize more and more this to be true, also coming to know it is All in the Mind. If situations come up I have learned to step away and dissect what is happening, why it is happening, breath and release. It works every time. The study of psychology helped through these situations and thy spirit has helped advance thyself.

Things always happen for a reason, it is up to you to discover why things happen the way they do.

[Peter]

Thanks for sharing, Dramos.

It's ALL spiritual in my book.

Will reply more fully when I've let this one roll around a bit more.

Cheers,
Peter

[zendancer]

Dramos: Thanks for sharing your story. Because mental problems are stigmatized in our culture, many people are reluctant to reveal that kind of information, but in my experience a large percentage of the population at one time or another has experienced some kind of mental problems whether it be depression, anxiety, phobias, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. After I experienced panic attacks, it helped a great deal to discover that other people had experienced the same kind of thing and subsequently recovered. Consequently, I am an advocate for openly discussing such things because I think it may offer comfort to people who feel alienated or alone as a result of their experiences.

I do, however, want to recommend that you contemplate one of the ideas that you expressed at the end of your post. You wrote, "things always happen for a reason." This is a big abstraction. It is similar to an optimist's statement, "things always happen for the best," or a pessimist's statement, "things always happen for the worst." Are these kinds of statements true? Can we know, absolutely, that these kinds of statements are true? Someone whose child dies may think, "There must be a reason why this happened; I wonder what it is?" or "Why would God allow this to happen?" or "What did I do wrong that caused this to happen?" They may end up blaming themselves, or blaming God, or blaming someone else for what happened and thereby suffer as a result of their ideas. The non-dual path leads to a reality that is impossible to intellectually know in any absolute sense. If we get attached to the idea that "things always happen for a reason," then we may feel compelled to discover a reason even if no reason exists. This idea may engage the imagination and keep it working overtime. In truth, there is neither a reason, nor not a reason for what happens. There is only THIS--pure isness. It is beyond both reason and non-reason. In the same way, I would ask Peter if his statement, "Everything is spiritual," is true? Isness is neither spiritual nor non-spiritual; it is beyond all such dualistic ideas, and the more we are able to see through these kinds of ideas, the freer we become. Having ideas is not the problem; believing them to be true and getting attached to them is what creates our problems and keeps us forever circling the aliveness at our core.

After I had panic attacks, I wanted to understand what had caused them in order to prevent their future occurrence. This is a logical use of the mind. I did some research, and concluded that I had done some stupid things (quit eating while exercising strenuously, quit getting a normal amount of sleep, etc). I then felt that I understood the "reason" why I had had panic attacks, and I pursued a course of action designed to reverse the effects of my stupidity. Someone else, who hadn't had my kind of experiences, might conclude that their anxiety resulted from a family genetic propensity or something else. These kinds of "reasons" are relatively superficial, and do not necessarily present a problem. A problem occurs if we think that "I" shouldn't be having these experiences, or "I" have a difficult life, or "My" experiences are "improving" me, etc. IOW, big abstractions about reality often lead us away from the truth, strengthen our sense of selfhood, and, to the degree that we attach to them, may cause us to suffer as a result. Can we simply accept what is without thinking that anything extra is implied?

Language can be deceptive. If we say, "That is a tree," our statement is both true and false at the same time. It is equally true (and false) to say, "That is not a tree." What we call "a tree," in truth, is unimaginable. If we see all statements and ideas in this way, then we do not get invested in them--do not get attached--and we are able to use them in a utilitarian way. So, if you can see that the opposite of your statement is equally true-- "Everything does NOT happen for a reason"--then you are free of any attachment to the issue. Do you see what I'm pointing to?

[Portto]

Another excellent post - Thank you, Zendancer! I love the "aliveness at our core" expression.

I am trying to contemplate the idea:

"Imagination is less important than 'what is' "

My difficulty is in the fact that I see imagination as 'what is' as well.

Is imagination a distraction from 'what is'?

[zendancer]

Porto: Good question! However, we're using words here to point to something beyond words, so keep that in mind. Using words I would say, "Yes, imagination is also part of what is." Is imagination a distraction from what is? Well, imagination is what it is--a powerful utilitiarian function of mind. Is it always a problem? No, but it can be. If we live primarily in our heads, then we will never perceive anything but an imaginary meta-reality, and we will remain blind to Presence.

When we imagine, we turn away from what our eyes physically see, and we look at abstract images, ideas, and symbols in our mind's eye. It is almost like having a television set in our heads where we, ourselves, project the images. There is no problem with doing this as long as we remember that the images on the screen are like a mirage compared to the reality of a desert oasis. As adults, all of us are attached to the stuff appearing on our internal TV screen, and the path to non-duality is our attempt to see through the screen stuff and perceive the underlying truth. After we escape the usual illusions, including the illusion of selfhood, then ideas are not a problem. We have ideas, but we don't get attached to them. We make imaginary plans, but if things don't work out as we expected, we don;t have a problem. We accept that the truth is mysterious and unknowable and that reality often manifests differently than how we imagined it would.

Let's say that something happens to us. If we think, "That shouldn't have happened," we are attaching to an idea that will probably cause us suffering. In fact, whatever happened, happened. To think that something "shouldn't have happened" is to ignore or do battle with reality. This is what Byron Katie focuses upon when she works with people. If they say, "My spouse shouldn't have left me," she will first ask, "Is that true?" Most people who are unfamiliar with her work will answer yes. She will then ask, "Can you know absolutely that that is true?" This question will usually cause a person to pause and go a bit deeper. After some reflection, they will usually respond, "No." She will then ask them to turn the statement around in different ways. For example, the person might re-word his question to say, "My spouse SHOULD have left me." Katie will say, "That's right, she SHOULD have left you because she DID leave you. That is the truth." Then she will ask the person to find three reasons for why his/her spouse leaving him/her is a good thing. She does this to help the person break through the normal cycle of thoughts and become detached from his/her past ideas. She has some great dialogues on her website via youtube showing how she works with people in this regard. The basic approach is to help people see and accept the truth and stop thinking the thoughts that make them feel bad. As she puts it in one of her books, "I discovered that if I fight with reality, I always lose." She identified her thoughts as the primary cause of her suffering and she began to question whether her thoughts about reality were true. She went through this questioning process until she became free of her thinking. After attaining freedom, she continued to have thoughts, but she saw them for what they were, and they lost their hold over her.

When I hear people say, "such and such shouldn't have happened," it is clear that their thoughts about what happened are in direct conflict with reality and are thereby creating all of their anger, frustration, fear, or disappointment. How do I know that what happened SHOULD have happened? Because IT DID HAPPEN! Shoulds and oughts are imaginary projections that usually conflict with reality, and they are responsible for a huge amount of human suffering.

One of the reasons that I recommend focusing upon what we can physically see or hear (which is a kind of meditation) is that it helps us perceive the difference between products of imagination and reality. Although imagination is part of reality, we are usually so lost in our imagination when we first set out to find the truth that we need to create some interior space in order to clearly see what is happening as we interact with both physical reality and our thoughts. If we focus upon what we can physically see and hear, sooner or later we break through the illusions created by our imaginations. Cheers.

[dramos]

ZD, I do understand your point of view. Let me further expand on mine with polarities.

All truths are half truths, yes, varying degrees of truth. Same with hot and cold, you had shared an example of this on one of your postings when you had asked what was the temperature of the room. It varied in degrees depending upon positions, was it hot, less hot or cold but one can not describe the one without the other. It depends on the point of view. Same with reason, it is either more of a reason or less of a reason. I do not believe in coincidences or chance. Does this mean I will seek out all reasons for everything, no. Have I come to understand why certain things have happened, yes. There was a reason.

The further one focuses on more positive aspects of things the less you become aware of it's total opposite. Here again depending on the degree of understanding.

Truths are half truths, hot and less hot, happy or less happy, same with anything.

Thus, too, there is a reason for everything that is taking place, do we truly understand why? No. As "time" passes may we be able to look back, having gained more understanding, the reason why things happened the way they did? Only if you are made aware to it.

Here too Peter may have a point within his degree of understanding.

[Portto]

Thank you ZD!
Indeed, suffering is gone when we break attachment to thoughts - and to their supposed outcome.

When we imagine, we turn away from what our eyes physically see, and we look at abstract images, ideas, and symbols in our mind's eye. It is almost like having a television set in our heads where we, ourselves, project the images. There is no problem with doing this as long as we remember that the images on the screen are like a mirage compared to the reality of a desert oasis.

True. However, we can never know exactly what our eyes see. We see only what the mind sees through the eyes.
Ultimately, the reality that we see is just a process in the mind, as well.
Reality can be as subjective as imagination...

Nevertheless, the [imagined] "outside" reality can provide a much more solid anchor than the "internal" [imagined] reality. But is the outside more real than the internal?

[zendancer]

Porto: Let's say that someone hands us photos taken at a dance that we attended. The photos show people standing motionless on the dancefloor in strange positions. The direct experience of dancing to the music is to the photos as the reality of what is is to our ideas about what is. A video of the dance would be closer to the truth than the photos, but I would prefer the experience of dancing to any simulation of the dancing. The photos and the video are both "real," but they are a poor substitute for the direct experience of dancing. I would rather dance than think about dancing. However, I'm a Zen Dancer, so I may be prejudiced in this regard. LOL.

[zendancer]

Dramos: I'm with you 100%. Good explanation.

[Portto]

Nov 13, 2009 21:29:45 GMT -5 zendancer said:

I would rather dance than think about dancing. However, I'm a Zen Dancer, so I may be prejudiced in this regard. LOL.

Point taken.
I would also rather eat some food than just think about it - especially when I'm hungry!

But I believe I'm a human with a body - so I may be biased.

However, if I'm walking by a precipice or swamp, I would rather imagine going in there. Now I'm thinking too much...

[divinity]

wew... take a hike!

Porto... "what is" is subjective and therefor not really real or important. "What is" is what the news people report on which gets many people on Earth in a lather of fear and dread. Better to imagine what makes you feel good, safe, happy, joyous... and that will be your reality. You will attract other joy to yourself by doing this. Look at all the abundance and goodness and health in the world instead of the dreck which is put on TV to get us to fear and be manipulated!
Peace,
Divinity

[vacant]

Better to imagine what makes you feel good, safe, happy, joyous... and that will be your reality

Divinity, are you the advocate for wishful thinking? Like: imagine and declare with credible authority and well then that's what goes I guess. But you know that seems a hell of a lot like what those manipulators on TV whom you dis are doing: convince yourself of something advantageous, then convince others to make it stick better... rings a bell?

I really can't believe "it will be your reality". It will be your imagination and it will be trying to build an imagined reality. From where I look, that sucks even if those "positive" thoughts are good safe happy joyous. Think of it honestly: that's not an alternative to "what's put on TV to get us to fear", it's utopian thinking BECAUSE the fear is already in you. How long can we imagine enough to fool ourselves? Well sadly very long!
Peace to you too