Fear, the Ego's weapon

[mansuit]

I read a thread back a few pages about being afraid to be enlightened, and I am hoping we can continue to build on that thread an offer a little more clarity.

For me, at present, Fear manifests itself in a very specific way. I know that it is nothing more than the Ego's desperate attempt, fighting for it's life, but...still. There seems to be descriptions of the devastation of the separate self falling away, ie McKenna Buddha's dripping head, Scoma's "Dark Night of the Soul" re-imagining, and the very strong indicator that the search for Truth must be so completely compelling, so intense, and I must be willing to pay for it at any price (thanks to Ahab's vids for burning that in my mind!)

Already I feel things falling away..its pretty scary. I have friends I love who I have spent years and years in spiritual search with, and I find it harder and harder to relate to them. I've seen through the beliefs we passionately shared, seen them for false, and they see me drifting away, slowly- it's painful. I'm fairly consumed by this, books, blogs, the forum, constantly questioning, distancing. I'm recently married in April- how much longer before even this seeming new life begins to be affected? Afterall, it's only based on stories. My wife, who shares a lesser interest in this Seeing herself, told me yesterday- "thats all you ever talk about-non-duality!"

The fear is there. And, even that I feel less close to, which somehow intensifies it, and then I see it for what it is, withdrawing...it intensifies...and on and on.

Crazy huh?!?!

I think there was a question in there somewhere..hehe maybe not. Perhaps you could share your experiences with this?

Thanks!
Michael

[zendancer]

Michael: Check your email. ZD

[dave]

Mansuit -

I'm right there with you. Your post describes my situation exactly.

I feel I've opened a door that I wished I'd never even know existed. And yet - here I am, going in, unable to stop myself, knowing full well the toll it will take on my so-called 'life'...

I'm hoping it's just a mild case of OCD, that tomorrow there will be some other 'flavor of the week' to distract me...

But I doubt it. I feel compelled to see this thing through to the bloody end.

I simply have to 'know'...

[jedadya]

Hi Michael and all,

This was the post that kind of brought me out of hiding....I'm right there with you too, sitting in the fear while chunks of "me" continue to fall away. Apathy isn't quite the right word, though my teen-age daughter has accused me of it. Come to think of it, I've been accused of worse, lately, depression, coming under the sway of a cult (the ominous cult of Adyashanti!!!), my best friend says I've just become boring. Though I'm using the term incorrectly, I've borrowed Franklin M Wolff's "high indifference" which describes just about how I feel about everything, from what would you like on your pizza to should I get divorced, or not?? Highly indifferent....

I ran across a couple of things in my reading last night that sums up my current state....

From Wayne Liquormans book, Never Mind....pg 147 "As you begin to see that the ego is a false claimer, the ego is disempowered. This is a period of listlessness, disinterest, ennui."

And from Rumi, "I don't know who lives here in my chest, or why the smile comes. Am not myself. More the bare green knob of a rose that lost every leaf and petal to the morning wind."

Sounds apathetic, depressing....but it's less than that, quiet, still and strangely ok.

[waddicalwabbit]

One seems to see the unimportance of the activities and goals of the ego/mind. Since this has been the motivator for all our lives, 'what can I acquire, what can I become' there is an emptiness and a lack of motivation. The old motivators are gone and replaced with what exactly? How do 'I' behave and act now? It's all gone.

What seemed to appear for me at some point after that was just action, like the tree growing the next branch. Doing what I do for no apparent reason although things do get done. Sort of like the universal life energy suggests that something occur that requires the action of this body, so I allow it to use me in that way. I am recruited for that purpose.

And then ahhhhh, some fear arises again and takes hold for a bit, then I read some more spiritual claptrap and am reminded and then I observe my thoughts and motivations and then I am back to being used by the universe again.

It IS cumulative. It IS developing new habits of being. There IS focus involved.

[robert]

the best thing to do when i feel that way is to get out in nature. appreciation and gratitude for the show that surrounds you out doors. take walks sitting on your back porch will help more than brooding in the house.
r.

[dei]

I have come to really love the concept of Wu Wei... without guilt (at last)... i do nuttin' much of the day... not that nuttin is really nothing... and i don't care what it is. Meditation, computer solitaire, learning to sew, watching my hands do alien things... it's really funny more than anything. I have come to love confusion, rare as it is... to appreciate the inexplicable... and to be amazed by the tiny movements of leaves in the breeze.

I recognize that my mind/ego is not completely willing to be shown to be non-existent as it continues to jabber at me, even about these topics... and more than anything because it escapes into sleep when meditation gets really deep. Fine... whatever... when THAT is ready to Awaken here then IT will and i have nothing to say about it anyway. I really don't feel any fear though... not for a while... whatever happens will be interesting. I'd rather be Truth than lies.

[waddicalwabbit]

Nice to have company in the padded cell. See you at the ceramics class on Friday? Family visitation is on Sunday afternoons but I don't have much to say to them...wish they'd bring some cookies er sumthin...

[charliegee]

when talking to a friend who wanted to throw in the towel, give up, not go on etc etc ... first I told her how much she needs and loves her kids and they her ... then I told her what to me is stellar advice but utter nonsense to most, 'no matter what your situation, we go on because we go on' ... right Wabbitt? ...

[dei]

Today i found the fear! I have been afraid that i'm not special. And hooray... i realize now that i'm NOT! Not special. What a relief: nothing to prove.

[lobo]

I empathize with you guys. Forgive me for lumping everyone experiencing this fear all together, and I hope this doesn't sound insensitive.

Here it is.
What do you actually know to be true?
Forget what you have read or heard about some state.
What is true, for you, right here, right now? (in your experience, not your mind)

You may see if this is true for you. I have found that just being open to experience whatever comes up, without trying to do anything with it, allows energies to express, and then they are gone, just as easily and mysteriously as they came.

Consider this also. If you are in the moment, and willing to experience anything, there will be no fear.

But don't take my word for any of this.

[lobo]

Jul 16, 2010 10:32:54 GMT -5 dei said:

Today i found the fear! I have been afraid that i'm not special. And hooray... i realize now that i'm NOT! Not special. What a relief: nothing to prove.

makes it easier to just be doesn't it

[enigma]

"Consider this also. If you are in the moment, and willing to experience anything, there will be no fear."

So do you find that you're willing to experience anything? That covers a lot of ground.

[lobo]

Jul 16, 2010 20:46:57 GMT -5 enigma said:

"Consider this also. If you are in the moment, and willing to experience anything, there will be no fear."

So do you find that you're willing to experience anything? That covers a lot of ground.

Yes I am, right here, right now.

What are you saying, go through an imaginary exercise of what you think you may be willing to experience? That is nonsense and way out of context and misses the point.
This does not mean to start making a list of everything you think you would be willing to experience.
That would be just another example of being terribly stuck in the mind.

When I say that, it means that in this moment being open to everything that is happening, here, now, not in imagination. And yes I am willing to do that. I do it frequently. It is again the natural state. It does not mean be stupid and not step out of the way of a bus. It does not mean don't interact with the enviornment.

Fear requires this kind of imagination about the future.
I am not completely without fear, but fear is a clear signal that this dynamic is happening and recognizing that can point you back to fearlessness. Yes, that is quite true.

But again, anyone can easily check this out for themselves. Don't take my word for it.

Another thing. Fear serves the ego. It is a tactic to capture the attention and it is quite effective. So knowing this about fear is usefull.

[enigma]

Being present is fine. There can be no fear and no ego. In this, there is no 'you' that is willing to experience anything. This 'you' is not willing to experience anything. It's not true.