Strange sadness

[synapticrythms]

The meditation has changed for me over the last month or so. Actively being, without a lot of thought, has been making the meditations very deep, and there is a feeling of wholeness that has begun to pervade my waking and sleeping consciousness. There is something though that is a little disconcerting as well.

There is a deep sadness that I have been experiencing in my waking consciousness for a couple of weeks now. It is interspersed with periods of joy and gratitude, but it has been the majority of what I have been feeling. It is not free-floating anxiety, depression, or anything of that sort. It is more of an all-pervasive sorrow or sadness that seems almost bone-deep. Meditation is a breather from this feeling.

There is no action right now that dissipates this feeling, nor do I really feel like it can be dissipated until I recognize where it is coming from. It seems almost beside the point to what is occurring now in meditation and to the deeper feelings of is-ness that are there. Has anyone else experienced this? Any clues as to where it may be stemming from?

[zendancer]

Jun 14, 2010 9:19:54 GMT -5 synapticrythms said:

The meditation has changed for me over the last month or so. Actively being, without a lot of thought, has been making the meditations very deep, and there is a feeling of wholeness that has begun to pervade my waking and sleeping consciousness. There is something though that is a little disconcerting as well.

There is a deep sadness that I have been experiencing in my waking consciousness for a couple of weeks now. It is interspersed with periods of joy and gratitude, but it has been the majority of what I have been feeling. It is not free-floating anxiety, depression, or anything of that sort. It is more of an all-pervasive sorrow or sadness that seems almost bone-deep. Meditation is a breather from this feeling.

There is no action right now that dissipates this feeling, nor do I really feel like it can be dissipated until I recognize where it is coming from. It seems almost beside the point to what is occurring now in meditation and to the deeper feelings of is-ness that are there. Has anyone else experienced this? Any clues as to where it may be stemming from?

I can only tell you that when people begin to shut off thinking and start accessing deeper and deeper levels of mind, all sorts of strange stuff can start coming to the surface. I have seen people burst out into tears in the middle of a retreat. I have heard of people who suddenly re-lived a past experience in complete detail. One person became paralyzed for several hours. Zen Masters tell their students to expect unusual effects as subconscious material rises to the level of consciousness. They call this "makyo," and they advise their students to simply watch it all dispassionately; it eventually clears out and disappears. One fellow I read about began seeing some sort of horrifying visage--a monstrous face that intensely frightened him--every time he settled into deep meditation. He literally had to jump in a barrel of icy water to dispel the image. After a few weeks, the image went away and never returned.

When I first began to enter deep states of meditation, I had lots of weird experiences. Sometimes the pattern on the carpet in front of me rose off the floor and seemed to hover in mid-air. Once, I had an extremely frightening experience when it felt as if something horrendous was about to manifest in front of me. Bizarre thoughts often bubbled up. My energy level oscillated violently at times. Sometimes I felt as if I could barely drag the body around and at other times I felt like I had a nuclear power plant supplying me with endless energy. All of this stuff gradually went away, so I can only assume that the old meditation pros know what they're talking about. I suspect that the sadness you are feeling relates to some unresolved issue from your past or is simply the way your body/mind is responding to your practice. If I were you, I wouldn't make any effort to understand it; I would simply watch it in the same way that you watch everything else that is happening. Body/minds are way too complex to understand intellectually. Best of luck.

[karen]

Several years into my seeking, I saw the movie "Boogie Nights" and that movie sent me into deep feelings. It wasn't any of the porn stuff, but probably all the late 1970's background that triggered it. That is when I was in my formidable years.

I felt a deep sadness - down to the bone - but I didn't want it gone. In fact I consumed many more movies from the same era feeling this nostalgia - not dwelling on it exactly.

I had visions of an apartment filled with ferns flash in the back of my mind that I doubt I've ever been in. And a lady I don't think I've ever met - but not clear at all. I just watched it with my feelings.

It was powerfully sad, but I welcomed it. And it passed.

I don't know if it's anything similar or not. But that was an experience of mine.

[souley]

I think at some level we have to carry all the pain in the world. It sounds silly, but being the world as we are, we just cant shut anything out. The cost of existence is impossibly high and painful, and of course the total opposite as well. This sadness, I don't know if it's more intense for you, but I can definitely relate. Much like Karen describes I usually don't fight this kind of sadness as I would for example anger. It just is.. and it's very sad.. and I don't know what it is but it feels pretty natural in some way. But I think it passes, it goes in waves, diminishes, much like everything else:)

I should warn you we might be talking about totally different things;)

[lobo]

hey synaptic
you don't need to do anything
I think this happens to everyone to some degree
in my experience trying to do anything with this kind of stuff doesn't do any good
just let it express
who knows why it is releasing or what it is
and it really doesn't matter
if anything just let yourself feel it, give permission

best of luck with it

[peanut]

i experienced the same feelings when starting to meditate...well after a year or so and did a lot of emotional clearing and now the meditations are quite still and clear , 9 years later. Feel part was past lives so just let the feelings arise and fall and part issues from this life that had to be addressed.

[synapticrythms]

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. There is something about knowing that the experiences along this path are not solely are own... it is always a process.

Some thoughts about this. I have been meditating for a long time, and I have been walking this road in real earnest for the past three years or so. When I say "in earnest," I mean that it took me a long time to even see where the road led... I don't know how I could have read everything I read, studied everything I did, and still not know where the h**l the road even went. I don't know how that was even possible, but maybe I am a slow learner. The seminal event of my wife dying somehow tore down the walls to real understanding, and it brought me to a place where I could see all the mental and emotional structures that I was building internally.

That being said, this journey has been mind-blowing over the last few years. There have been times and places where abject terror, bliss, joy, misery, and many other states have shown themselves in my meditation. This sadness, however, seems to be so all-pervasive, that it was a surprise to me. I appreciate the words of comfort. It is certainly different in this particular place than it has been before.

ZD, you are right in calling it makyo. It is all simply phenomenon... and has nothing to do with reality. I love that term in Zen. It sums up everything so succinctly. That which is not real is simply not real. Don't waste any time on it, and get to the business at hand, which is waking up. I have just been surprised by states and feelings that I thought, again... I know, it has nothing to do with thought ... I should have been passed or finished with. But the truth is that it is not finished until it is finished.

A Course in Miracles states, "Infinite patience brings immediate results." I impatiently await infinite patience. ;D I feel sometimes like I am desperately trying to fight my way out of a cloud and only succeed in stirring up the cloud, thereby making it more difficult to see.