3 Years and Counting...

[synapticrythms]

It is amazing to me what one can find on the internet these days.

I have been seriously searching for a little longer than three years since my wife passed away suddenly. There is nothing like the destruction of a huge ego-identification package like a loving marriage to really stir the existential pot.

My wife and I practiced yoga for about 8 years before her death, but I never really understood what that whole game was for until after she died. I ran across Jed McKenna's books the day after the one year anniversary of my wife's death. The books rewrote my entire life's story in one fell swoop. I dropped all forms of contact with the outside world as much as humanly possible, and I spent Christmas and New Year's of that year writing like a madman, blowing off ego skins like there was no tomorrow.

The writing process outlined in those books has been my main tool until just the last couple of months. Something else is taking place, and I am not sure where exactly I am. I know that it seems like I must feel my way forward rather than intellectualize my way forward. It is disconcerting, because all the tools I have used in the past are just simply useless now.

I have given up trying to gauge progress against anything or anyone, and I find myself with a simple, very deep longing to simply be free of the whole mess, meaning my own spinning of my own web. I can see it happening daily, and I then deconstruct daily. I feel sometimes like I am stuck, and then I realize that my entire life outlook has changed in one week... yet again.

I do know that I enjoy spiritual discussions, because it is the only satisfying use of my time these days.

Nice to meet all of you.

[zendancer]

Synapticrythms: Welcome to the forum. If you don't know where you are, that is a wonderful thing. It means that the structures of thought have collapsed, and you have a beginner's mind. You found the discussions on this board at precisely the right time. Glad to have you aboard. Relax and enjoy the ride.

[synapticrythms]

Thanks, zendancer. It is always a disconcerting feeling to be without guideposts. It has happened before on the journey, but this shift from intellectualizing to feeling has been a big one for me. It is probably because, at varying layers, I have been such a control-monger all of my life. The layers and layers of conditioning get a little exhausting if one has to think through them.

A friend of mine inadvertently gave me a clue when I was talking with him on the phone. I had been so wrapped around specific ways of breaking free that the means themselves had become chains. He merely brought up the Zen saying, "When you see the Buddha on the road, kill him." It seemed to break through all the holding onto the means in the process for me. It was one of those moments of immense gratitude that always accompanies some breakthrough that comes unexpectedly. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.

[karen]

Glad to have you here Synapticrythms!