The illusory I

[loverofall]

It was fearful earlier seeing the I doesn't exist but then a while ago I kept laughing about how this is the ultimate scam. My best friend and I always joke how everything is a scam and we were right. I just kept laughing how ridiculous this is at some level.

I have freaked out two people near me by getting them to see I as a thought. You could hear it in their voice how uncomfortable it is to threaten identity. I backed off talking about it but it was very interesting.

[loverofall]

The tension in the head comes and goes but it does't bother me anymore because at some level I know its the path. It actually reminds me to go deeper into direct experience.

There is a transformation beginning. Little changes that keep reinforcing that this is it.

Everything I learned about enlightenment, religion, psychology and emotions is making more sense in different ways.

[lightmystic]

Sounds good loverofall. But it seems like you are just scratching the surface of your experience. What else are you experiencing?

[loverofall]

Getting pulled back to identifying with I and feeling like I lost my shift and feeling uncomfortable.

Using pointers to shift back. Less chatter overall in the mind.

Thats about where this person is. I sort of watch other people in amazement more often at how they really think they are their thoughts. Thats been both fun and scary. I guess at times it feels like everyone has become a body snatcher but they don't realize I am not one and I can't share it.

At other times feeling closer to others especially when using point "I am this"

Its definitely not as sensational as it was a few days ago. My take would be the mind tried to use this as a way to relieve suffering and hold on to it which won't work.

There definitely was a significant insight because It is getting harder to just do what I used to do. Identify with the I happens but boy when I catch it its disturbing and there is realization that wanting the disturbing feelings is the way too. There is an urge to simplify since so many things feel like a waste of time.

Bottom line, I feel trapped in this and I can't go back.

[vacant]

you can't go back where? Where is it you would wish to go back to. If it's the experience you had yesterday, that never works. But the essence of what you felt connected to before is alive now with new stuff.

[loverofall]

Good point. Thats the challenge isn't it, seeing that everything is it. The going in and out is the experience, the struggling is it, the excitement and then the fear too is it. Its all it. LOL. Everything single thought, sensation, feeling and event is it.

I realize that this is all going to happen and I never had a choice. This person was going to read and be relentless on this path and do and see what is required. Its just the patterns that are in place in this mind. Its an illusion to think that I am doing anything. It appears that way but in reality its just patterns in motion. I am going to sit back and enjoy watching the ride more (Like I have a choice) HAHAHA.

[lightmystic]

Hey Loverofall,

I deeply understand the frustration of feeling caught in the middle of it. But that frustration will give you the means out of this, so don't worry....help is on the way, one way or another.....

[loverofall]

I shift all over the place. I don't even really know how to explain whats happening. I read Zen Dancer's book "Pouring Concrete" and that really helped see another persons journey. I guess the good news is I contiually am aware of myself getting caught up as the "I" and seeing my desire to be enlightened as wrong but it still comes a lot. Desire and seeking are hard habits to kick. Kicking the habit is more desire. Letting go of want seems a better pointer and again being grateful for any feeling, thought or sensation seems a better pointer too. There is still so much resistance here. I know, I know the resistance is it too. Frusration right now just wants to go blah blah blah. HAHAHA. Maybe alcohol would be a good releif but I know that doesn't work deep down. Heck it doesn't even have the same affect these days. Movies suck most of the time. People seem insane to me which is just more separating thoughts. The venting feels good.

Rereading so many things and getting so much more out of them is cool from seeing that we are before the "I" thought.

Love you all.

Later

[lightmystic]

Yeah, I can appreciate how there is deep suffering until there is able to be enough acceptance of the feeling for relief. The fact that you are seeing yourself identify is a great sign. To me, it's a sign that it's only a matter of time until the identifications that you are seeing through right now unwind. And then you can notice the next set.

[zendancer]

Loverofall: LM makes a good point. The confusion you feel is what some teachers call "the collapsing of the structures of thought." We start out thinking we understand what's going on. Then, for various reasons, we begin to question what we've been told, and we realize that something is wrong. We hear about a path to truth, and think that we understand where it leads. Then, that understanding collapses. Eventually we become totally confused, and can't figure out what to do next. This is actually a very good sign because we are starting to face the unknown. Someone who says, "I'm totally confused and don't understand anything," has made some real progress, although it may not be realized as progress until later. Keep up the good work!