Broken heart

[Riv]

Let's just call her 'brooklyn heights baby" (not her real neighborhood).

I met her a year ago today from a singles site, we went out a few times (and I thought that) we had fun. She was over 60, a few years older than me. We both were alone.

I treated her like a lady, respectful, equal, soft spoken and sensitive but I always do treat women this way.

I'm no great looker, as for her she was clumsy, gawky, a real sweet humanity in her face, voice, body language and I liked her and found her seeming humanity to look very attractive, I was interested and she claimed as well to be interested. We went out a few times, I took her to good restaurants, movies, paid for everything.

A month and change later she calls me up out of nowhere and gives me the oldest cliche in the book (as if we were 15 years old or something: she gives me the thrown out/unthought about/totally insensitive "drop dead" cliche of "Oh, I've been thinking, you're a REALLY nice guy and I don't want to hurt you BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"We have nothing in common"

(In other words, you aren't good looking. Yep, I know the code words, we all recognize the code words. AS IF she didn't enjoy the restaurants, the movies, the conversations)

I was hurt, hurt bad by this shattering of a dream. I tried to reason with her but no, instead I should have hung up the phone the second that her cliche began because I knew what was coming and maybe it would have hurt a lot less if I hadn't have talked to her.......she didn't care how I felt, she just wanted to rid herself of an undesired suitor.

Now today I go back on the website and I see she's still there and coming there actively (just like she has all year), she found nobody yet. Either she dumps everyone and or her ad has become one of the older familiar ones so its overlooked by now.

Her choice but IMHO she could have had a good year with a good man if her mind hadn't been stuck in emotional adolecense waiting for some who knows, tall? handsome? macho? who never came her way this year or is it just that I'm too ugly?

Hey, I'm no looker but I know that I'm satisfied with any woman that likes me and I'm too realistic to play kiddie looks games and capriciously say "Oh, you're not my type so have a nice life".

[Morrie]

Riv,

I'm sorry you are hurting from this, but are you sure you'r not reading more into her response then is actually there? How do you know for sure that this had anything to do with how you look? Maybe, you should take her statement more at face value. Maybe, she really did feel that the two of you didn't have many things in common. If so, it wasn't really meant to be and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it .

[lightmystic]

Hey Riv,

I'm real sorry that you're hurting so much from this. Having you're heart broken sucks. It will heal with time, but that doesn't necessarily make it better now.

It's a good thing you dodged that bullet though. Whatever her reasons for breaking it off, the kind of person who would do that is not someone who you want to have an intimate relationship with. Better that you found out now what she was like instead of having to find that out much later after the relationship has gotten even closer.

There's also the idea chemistry. Maybe you're hanging your hopes on someone who really is not ideal for you, but you're willing to settle for that. You deserve someone who will really take care of you. Perhaps life is doing you a favor. Most attraction comes from chemistry, and looks are a very minor factor in that (if your looks even ARE as bad as you suggest).

My gut feeling is to think more carefully about whether you really like THEM. This will help you see what's really going on. As much as you appreciate the company, if you don't really like them on a deep level, chances are you are not right for each other, and usually the woman realizes that too.

Anyway, I wish you the best in finding the perfect love for you.

Best Regards,

LM

[sophia]

Riv,

Some women do not know when they have a good thing!

Keep your spirits up. Try again with another lady. Here's a quote for you that I found in a book I was skimming through earlier this year:

"Once the exaltation has lapsed, I am reduced to the simplest philosophy; that of endurance (the natural dimension of real fatigues). I suffer without adjustment, I persist without intensity; always bewildered, never discouraged; I am a Daruma doll, a legless toy endlessly poked and pushed, but finally regaining its balance, assured by an inner balancing pin (But what is my balancing pin? The force of love?). This is what we are told by a folk poem which accompanies these Japanese dolls:

Such is life
Falling over seven times
And getting up eight."

~Roland Barthes, _A Lover's Discourse: Fragments_

[friend]

Sometimes a broken heart from a romantic disappointment can lead to an awakening, but of course that is not the point of this thread..

I've found the romantic search is like the spiritual search, lots of people are looking for some ideal or otherwise impressive appearances when what is real may be right under their noses. I suppose that's why I have given up on both, which is not to say those experiences won't find me.

The thing is, if I am so busy with the search I may just miss out on everything else, not to mention I would be no different than those who thinks little of me because I don't buy into this culture of superficial appearances or what have you. So I ask myself: "Would I rather be caught up searching, which may come to nothing or would I rather live and make a contribution in life?" I for one would choose the latter, and in that I've found what love is really about.

[sophia]

Is there supposed to be some separation between searching and contributing?

You said, "...when what is real may be right under their noses." You may have heard this or read this, but I suggest taking a closer look.

[friend]

'Is there supposed to be some separation between searching and contributing?'


You have heard of the concept of the hungry ghost from Buddhism I imagine? It isn't about searching but that tendency to try to fill a void - whereas contribution would have to come from fullness wouldn't it?



'You said, "...when what is real may be right under their noses." You may have heard this or read this, but I suggest taking a closer look.'

Likewise I can say the same to you, if we are to play the teacher game. In this case clearly you hear or read a short message from me, but if you'll take a closer look I at least claim to have found what love is about. Have you looked close enough to be able to determine that this is questionable and warrants such advice, or are you just going by what you read in my message? But in the end, is it even relevant to make such an assessment of an anonymous person online, or is the point about always looking, regardless of who or what?

[sophia]

As much as I'd really like to come across as a knowledgeable being, I really don't know much about hungry ghosts. I remember hearing the term in my eastern religion class in college back in 2001, but I don't remember what they are. I'll have to Google that.

Are these beings in a bardo?

I would really like to know more about what you mean by "service". Are you talking about philanthropy, or volunteering?

I guess I was being a slight bit presumptuous by assuming you hadn't looked close enough to know what Love is, because from reading your message I had the feeling that you were in a slight struggle. I couldn't see how the two should be separated - searching and contributing - because I can see harmony between them.

I think your intentions are quite noble, by the way.