Life, Pain, Transition

[astenny]

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she passed on a bit of news: that my sisters ex-husband was getting a divorce. It seems that after having a child with yet another woman he decided to divorce his current wife and move on (which seems to be a recurring theme with him). His current wife is really not taking it well, and my sister and her ex have had to make alternate plans for their kids as his current wife has really gone off the deep end.

When I first heard all of this I felt rather good, that each of them was reaping what they had sowed. He had hurt my sister badly just by leaving her, and the way he left her was quite a bit less than nice. His current wife did a lot to hurt my sister, and did a good bit to me as well. It was easy to look at the situation and think that they had earned their pain. Then, I stopped and just took a breath and remembered that they too are human beings. While his current wife should have seen this coming (and many people did try to tell her, but far too many of us only see what we wish to), she is a fellow human being who deserves compassion.

Now, I have not tried to contact her even though I know where she lives. Experience has taught me that it is best that I do not try to contact her. What I did do was the only thing I could, stop and say a prayer. My old self would have felt rather good about the situation, but my new self hopes that she is able to pull through it and that hopefully this experience helps her to wake up a bit and to help her find a less angry path in life. Sometimes it takes pain to make us stop and take a good hard look at our lives.

[divinity]

I would say to stay out of all that drama and think pleasant thoughts!

[zendancer]

Astenny: I was sorry to hear about the conflict in your family. The best that you can do is to help wherever possible, remain non-judgemental, and stay focused on reality. Many people enjoy the dramas they are involved in, whereas other people would like to escape their dramas but don't know how. When family is involved, it is easy to get sucked into the dramas because there is a lot of past conditioning and repetitive thought processes. The clearer you become the more you will be able to help if it is wanted.

You may know the story of Tina Turner. She was badly abused by her husband for a long time, but she got free of that relationship and free of her drama by repeating a Buddhist mantra. The main problem we have is the way we think about our life and relationships. The more we can cut through the thinking, the freer and clearer life becomes. Yes, pray for everyone involved, and then let it go. Enjoy the fall foliage, listen to the wind, watch thoughts as they arise and disappear, and when you feel yourself getting tense or worried, breathe deeply and turn your attention to your breathing. You will instantly feel your body start to relax. Notice that when you are attending rather than thinking, all of the drama disappears. At this moment stop, look, and listen with intensity. Notice that when you do this, you, your family, and the rest of the world is gone. Best of luck.

[dramos]

Good advice ZD and this does work well. When thoughts become overwhelming, I will step back, take a moment and breathe, when I begin to relax more I will take a deep breath and hold it, put all those thoughts within that held breath and release. It is amazing how well that works. Another aspect that I have been using is humming, don't know why but this also works and keeps me focused in the moment. My wife asked me last night if I was ok because I was humming so much? Yep I'm ok just making dinner for you hon, I'm just peachy.

Hope these helped with your situation Astenny. I find myself being "stuck" in the middle of situations as well. As much as we want to help, we still can, but stepping back for a moment and releasing all thought to the drama, like ZD mentioned, you will be able to see right through it.

[loverofall]

When I start to feel anger towards family I always think they are really just acting in a way that they were hurt or conditioned by their family. The fact you are on this path is probably one of the only real chances a person has to overcome their conditioning.

I agree, it is real easy to get caught up in family drama. Its a great way for the ego to create and control feelings.

The absolutely best thing a person can do to help their family is to change themselves and become the example.

The more giving, loving and non reacting I become, the more change I see in family around me. Its so opposite to what they are used too. Something in them really picks up the change. Do the opposite.

[Peter]

Oct 31, 2009 11:56:43 GMT -5 astenny said:

Now, I have not tried to contact her even though I know where she lives. Experience has taught me that it is best that I do not try to contact her.

I'm reminded of the Edmund Burke quote - "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"

Could you look upon this situation as an opportunity to mend a broken relationship? Perhaps get in contact with her and ask her what she thinks she needs (and listening), rather than starting by telling her what you think she needs?

Funny this coming up for a second time today - compassion without action being the tinkling of cymbals. Of course, sometimes inaction is the skillful action. The image of a white water rafter comes to mind - you don't learn the skills by staying in the shallows. But you don't learn much by throwing yourself off a cliff either.

EDIT: I'm asking myself what prompted me to reply to this. Answer is, your posting comes over (to me) as something of a justification for your not getting involved. Which is why I suggest reconsidering your decision. If not justification, what was your motive for posting?