Its hard being a serious student

[popee]

but easy to be a half-hearted student.

I've read enough of the masters words to know the basics. Were I studious enough to memorize those texts, I think I could fool others into thinking I was a sage - just by parroting that which I read.

But there is only one way to actually become a sage - .... . I think I know what that "one way" is, but I can't actually know, because it hasn't happened yet. That part of me which needs severed, is still attached.

A permanent abdication of autonomy.

Suicide. Surrender everything. How does one accept the guillotine? In fact, beg for it.

But the half-hearted student begs for nothing. Surrenders nothing. He thinks the character in the play can become enlightened.

[Deleted]

but where is the guillotine? where is the abyss in which to dive?

aren't those only seen in retrospect, when the student is no longer a student? or when it's "too late?"

[popee]

The Real is obvious. The "right thing to do" is obvious as well. But something holds us back. Obviously. Or everyone would be enlightened. But they're not. Maybe one in a hundred million succeed. Why is that? It should be easy. Its obvious. Right at your fingertips, but just out of reach.

Something inside us fears the gallows.

[zendancer]

Yes. The desire for truth has to become more important than the comfort of the known. To find the truth one has to give up everything one knows and be willing to enter the mysterious world of the unknown and unknowable.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2011 8:57:52 GMT -5 zendancer said:

Yes. The desire for truth has to become more important than the comfort of the known. To find the truth one has to give up everything one knows and be willing to enter the mysterious world of the unknown and unknowable.

So to make this concrete, right now, contemplating desire for truth vs. comfort of the known, fear arised about losing family. Like, for some reason, losing the head to the guillotine would impede my functioning as a father and a husband to such an extent that i would abdicate my responsibility and actual existence in the family.

So I’ve seen this one before. I like to think that it’s a fear that arises when I’m close to the abyss, but that may be a false hope. Won’t know until free fall.

[zendancer]

The desire for truth leads to some interesting twists and turns which are totally unpredictable, and the mind cannot foresee how things will turn out. It certainly helps if one's family is supportive, but this is frequently not the case. Today, my wife and daughter tease me about my fanaticism twenty-five years ago because it put a real strain on our relationships. I would sit on a couch at night in silent meditation, and they would tiptoe around trying not to disturb me. They were uncomfortable with the situation and didn't say anything, but their suppressed feelings eventually came to the surface. Fortunately, the further one travels this path, the wider one's perspective becomes, and fanaticism can be exchanged for a more patient and moderate approach.

The realization that helped this body/mind the most in its family relationships was the realization that it always had to be doing whatever it was doing in the moment. Until that realization occurred, the mind was firmly in control, and I was always fantasizing about "what ifs," "shoulds," and "oughts." The story is told in my book, but one day I was pouring concrete and thinking, "I should be out on a mountaintop meditating and getting enlightened instead of doing this mundane physical work." Suddenly I saw that thought and how it separated me from the truth of "what is." I then asked myself a deceptively simple question that eventually broke the habit of fantasizing about the future. I asked, "What must I be doing this moment? Not tomorrow or next week or next year, but this precise moment?"

The answer was crystal clear. I had to be pouring concrete. The body always knows what it should be doing. I used this question over and over until I no longer needed any reminder that I was always doing exactly what I had to be doing. I have recommended this to other people who have reported that it was a big help. Rather than fantasize about what a family member might think about you in the future, focus on what you are doing now. Just a suggestion.

[Deleted]

well i will happily steal that question, thanks.

[ivory]

Thanks for that ZD. I'm going to hang onto that one as well.

[karen]

I'd rather be half-hearted and know it, than be seriously deluded about some perceived attainments. It's good to be honest with yourself. But I hope you're not getting yourself down about it.

[karen]

And BTW, I'm not so sure it is hard to be a serious student. Well maybe a serious student would be hard, but an earnest student is or the student isn't all that earnest about truth; probably earnest about other stuff.

I'm not sure how it is with others, but I'd assume it's similar: with me lasting changes happen with me when they seem to just happen. Years ago I "tried" to do a vegan diet - it failed. I gave up trying at all - then presto it was the natural and desired next step.

I started earnestly seeking truth not because I was noble, but because I was whipped inch by inch to where I finally had to look. And time and again I drift off into la-la land - day dreaming - then WHAM! I get hit with heavy suffering that makes me look again.

Actually at this point, non-conceptual awareness practices of mine often end up replacing or are coping mechanisms. It seems helpful. I suffer less (but still seem to experience fear, etc.).

[popee]

I'm in a weird place currently. Dreaming about waking up is giving me nightmares.

[ivory]

"Actually at this point, non-conceptual awareness practices of mine often end up replacing or are coping mechanisms."

The spiritual path is about breaking cycle of aversion and desire. The movement towards pleasure/desire and away from fear/pain. That means opening up to fear and pain, and being willing to ditch beliefs, opinions, and coping mechanisms... Embracing reality as it is. I don't think there's anything easy about that.

That is just the emotional component. There is also the existential component which is what I think popee is referring to. Fear of no-self, fear of annihilation, etc.

Like Jed said (and I think what ZD is alluding to), "The price of truth is everything."