Post by Jeremy Alan on Apr 5, 2017 3:00:29 GMT -5
I'd like to tell the story of my first spiritual experience, helped with a gentle nudge from master teacher Jeff Krock. I've never written this story before, and I don't often tell it because I'm not sure it resonates outside my personal experience. Nevertheless, it was a very big deal for me.
In 2000, I was 20 years old and depressed. I was struggling in university and felt like a failure. While home for Christmas, I met Jeff Krock. I didn't plan to meet him, and I hadn't sought him out. By chance, Jeff was visiting my family from Colorado and – as my mom described him – he was a spiritual teacher.
When Jeff asked if we could "talk" privately, I felt like I was in trouble. I didn't want to "talk," but I wasn't the type to cause a stir, so I said, "yes."
Jeff asked me how I was feeling. He must have sensed I was in a difficult place. I told him I felt "listless," as I couldn’t admit that I was depressed. I said I was having a hard time in school (in fact I was struggling), and sometimes my girlfriend and I felt “listless” together.
Jeff taught me a simple technique. He said it would help, but I didn't believe him. I didn't have a reason to. I remember squirming through the “talk,” and waiting for it to end. When we were done, he wrote his number on a piece of white paper and said, "This is my personal phone number in Colorado. If you need anything, feel free to call me." I remember feeling the kindness in that gesture. He genuinely wanted to help me.
A few days later, I was walking through the neighborhood close to my university. I was depressed again. Really depressed, and I thought, "Here I am again, depressed." That's when I remembered the technique Jeff taught me. And then something else popped into my head. "Well,” I thought, “I guess it can't hurt to try it out. I'm so miserable right now. What have I got to lose?"
I did the technique, not having much faith in it. But to my surprise -- and this is the only way I can describe what happened -- my heart woke up.
I was walking through my neighborhood with the green oak trees overhead. Big, dry maple leaves were crunching under my feet, and the air was cool and damp. It was winter in Gainesville, at the University of Florida campus. I didn't have words for my experience. But a sense of hope came over me -- hope for the world, for everything. What I felt was authentic -- something deep, something real -- and it was the first time I could remember feeling that way.
Had I ever felt like that before? Had I ever been "awake” like this? Had I ever felt this love in my chest? This sensation that felt so interestingly like "me?" I'm not sure. The colors, the sounds, the light... everything was richer and more beautiful around me.
I knew it wasn't an accident that I felt this way. I knew it was because I took Jeff’s advice. But it wasn’t him. It was my choice that made it happen. My choice to "come back" -- the choice to come back to the physical world after being so long in my head. For the first time, I was experiencing the heart of me.
During the months that followed, I became more comfortable with my "heart presence," and tried to come back to it the way Jeff taught me. It was a constant balance of staying mindful. I had to remember and come back throughout the day. I thought, "As long as I have my heart, it doesn't matter what happens. This is enough."
I told everyone about it, but no one really cared. I soon realized that talking about my "spiritual experience" landed flat. Most people didn’t understand. Or, if they did understand, we’d spin out of control, talking about spirituality intellectually… and we'd never really share the truth of the experience.
Later, I thought, "So this is what Christians talk about when they say they're born again.” I excitedly shared my story with born-again Christians and said, “I understand you!” But they looked at me skeptically. I had other thoughts too, like, "This is what poets and all those love songs talk about when they speak of the heart."
Before that day, my "thinking mind" was the extent of my consciousness. And when people spoke of the "heart," I thought it was just an analogy. I didn't know that I was, in fact, a deeper consciousness that I could access. I didn't know that the awareness of my heart, an awareness deep in my chest, was the truest experience of myself I could have. In fact, my heart had always been there, peacefully disconnected from my conscious awareness.
Jeff never took credit for my experience even though I tried to give it to him. I was the one who put one foot in front of the other. And over the last 17 years, I've done my best to keep going. To keep coming back to my body when I lose my sense of self, to keep coming back to my feet on the ground when my life is in turmoil, and to keep coming back to my experience in my body.
I'm happy to call Jeff a great spiritual teacher who changed my life. He showed me the magic of what it means to be present and living in the world. He taught me that real inner peace is not about "escaping" the pain of existence. It's about loving the world, and my current experience, no matter what it happens to be.
In 2000, I was 20 years old and depressed. I was struggling in university and felt like a failure. While home for Christmas, I met Jeff Krock. I didn't plan to meet him, and I hadn't sought him out. By chance, Jeff was visiting my family from Colorado and – as my mom described him – he was a spiritual teacher.
When Jeff asked if we could "talk" privately, I felt like I was in trouble. I didn't want to "talk," but I wasn't the type to cause a stir, so I said, "yes."
Jeff asked me how I was feeling. He must have sensed I was in a difficult place. I told him I felt "listless," as I couldn’t admit that I was depressed. I said I was having a hard time in school (in fact I was struggling), and sometimes my girlfriend and I felt “listless” together.
Jeff taught me a simple technique. He said it would help, but I didn't believe him. I didn't have a reason to. I remember squirming through the “talk,” and waiting for it to end. When we were done, he wrote his number on a piece of white paper and said, "This is my personal phone number in Colorado. If you need anything, feel free to call me." I remember feeling the kindness in that gesture. He genuinely wanted to help me.
A few days later, I was walking through the neighborhood close to my university. I was depressed again. Really depressed, and I thought, "Here I am again, depressed." That's when I remembered the technique Jeff taught me. And then something else popped into my head. "Well,” I thought, “I guess it can't hurt to try it out. I'm so miserable right now. What have I got to lose?"
I did the technique, not having much faith in it. But to my surprise -- and this is the only way I can describe what happened -- my heart woke up.
I was walking through my neighborhood with the green oak trees overhead. Big, dry maple leaves were crunching under my feet, and the air was cool and damp. It was winter in Gainesville, at the University of Florida campus. I didn't have words for my experience. But a sense of hope came over me -- hope for the world, for everything. What I felt was authentic -- something deep, something real -- and it was the first time I could remember feeling that way.
Had I ever felt like that before? Had I ever been "awake” like this? Had I ever felt this love in my chest? This sensation that felt so interestingly like "me?" I'm not sure. The colors, the sounds, the light... everything was richer and more beautiful around me.
I knew it wasn't an accident that I felt this way. I knew it was because I took Jeff’s advice. But it wasn’t him. It was my choice that made it happen. My choice to "come back" -- the choice to come back to the physical world after being so long in my head. For the first time, I was experiencing the heart of me.
During the months that followed, I became more comfortable with my "heart presence," and tried to come back to it the way Jeff taught me. It was a constant balance of staying mindful. I had to remember and come back throughout the day. I thought, "As long as I have my heart, it doesn't matter what happens. This is enough."
I told everyone about it, but no one really cared. I soon realized that talking about my "spiritual experience" landed flat. Most people didn’t understand. Or, if they did understand, we’d spin out of control, talking about spirituality intellectually… and we'd never really share the truth of the experience.
Later, I thought, "So this is what Christians talk about when they say they're born again.” I excitedly shared my story with born-again Christians and said, “I understand you!” But they looked at me skeptically. I had other thoughts too, like, "This is what poets and all those love songs talk about when they speak of the heart."
Before that day, my "thinking mind" was the extent of my consciousness. And when people spoke of the "heart," I thought it was just an analogy. I didn't know that I was, in fact, a deeper consciousness that I could access. I didn't know that the awareness of my heart, an awareness deep in my chest, was the truest experience of myself I could have. In fact, my heart had always been there, peacefully disconnected from my conscious awareness.
Jeff never took credit for my experience even though I tried to give it to him. I was the one who put one foot in front of the other. And over the last 17 years, I've done my best to keep going. To keep coming back to my body when I lose my sense of self, to keep coming back to my feet on the ground when my life is in turmoil, and to keep coming back to my experience in my body.
I'm happy to call Jeff a great spiritual teacher who changed my life. He showed me the magic of what it means to be present and living in the world. He taught me that real inner peace is not about "escaping" the pain of existence. It's about loving the world, and my current experience, no matter what it happens to be.
