Post by zendancer on Sept 6, 2015 13:09:56 GMT -5
One of these days I might find it interesting to write a sequel to "Pouring Concrete" because there are a lot of humorous and interesting things that happened in the life of this body/mind during the last fifteen years. Whether or not that will ever happen I have no idea. Because it might never happen, this post will be an extremely short description of a few highlights from that period of time.
In 1999, after searching for the truth for almost 35 years, the "little guy in my head"--"me"-- suddenly disappeared; he simply wasn't there anymore. My last unanswered existential question had been, "How is it possible for "me" to stay in a unity-conscious state of mind permanently?" As soon as the little guy disappeared, the answer became obvious; there had never been a "me" who was sometimes in a split-mind condition and sometimes in a unity-conscious condition. All ideas about "me" as a self-center were based on a cognitive illusion. It became instantly obvious that the real actor behind what I imagined was "me" had been the cosmos, itself, and it had never been divided into a "me in here" and a "world out there." It had only seemed that way.
This realization was stunning, and it totally freed the body/mind from the spiritual search for truth. I/the cosmos finally understood the true situation, and could relax. The search was over. I understood what I had always wanted to understand, and I could finally see the Big Picture. Who I had thought I was had never existed in the way that I had imagined. This realization had two components. First, I could see that my past identity had been a thought-created illusion, and second, I could see that my true identity was THIS--the vastness of "what is." For this body/mind what I refer to as "THIS" was both concrete and ephemeral at the same time. Everything I looked at, or touched, was rock-solid in its isness, but at the same time it was insubstantial and dreamlike--like a momentary play of being. Later, the insubstantial and appearance-like aspect of life would increasingly solidify, and the concrete aspect would become more and more dominant.
Becoming free of the search for understanding led to considerable bliss over the next few days and weeks. I walked around just looking at the world in amazement, as if I were a detached cosmic witness of an incredible play. I walked through stores, and simply marveled at the huge array of items for sale. The colors, textures, and variety were spectacular. I sat on a park bench, and watched children and adults for hours as they came and went. I went to restaurants, and just watched everything that was happening around me. The world was alive with being, and I could feel the aliveness of it.
Inside and outside became one when the imaginary "me" disappeared, and there was no longer any resistance to thoughts. I had spent almost 15 years shifting attention away from thoughts to what could be directly perceived through the senses, but there was no longer any need to do that because the one who was imagined as the shifter of attention had vanished. Now it was obvious that all shifts of attention and all states of mind are just aspects of THIS.
On this forum we call what I've described above, "Self-Realization," or SR. As many of us have noted in other posts, after SR, a whole group of thinking patterns cease to occur because the one who was imagined to be at the center of those thinking patterns is no longer there in the same way. The cosmos, as a human being, continues to think, but there is no separate person who is imagined to exist at the center of the thinking, and this becomes obvious. Thinking simply happens.
After SR, which occurred following a week-long mountain-hiking ATA-T retreat, I flew home and went back to work. Over the next few weeks, all kinds of ideas arose concerning how I thought that the future would unfold. One thought that I vividly remember was, "I'll never miss another Springtime." I thought that I would always remain conscious of the beauty that unfolds during Spring--the flowers, the trees, the colors, etc. Because I had always been so busy with construction projects and meeting deadlines, I had often in the past felt like I had been too busy to sit, watch, and enjoy the seasons as they changed. Because the intensity of the spiritual search had ended, and there was an overwhelming sense of Presence, I imagined that I would have a lot more free time in the future to sit and enjoy looking at the world in appreciation, enjoyment, and gratitude. As it turned out, however, this was just another crazy idea, and during the next few years I ended up having to work harder and longer than ever before. The script, so to speak, was not what I envisioned during the days when I was still blissed out by becoming free. If at that time I had been given a literal script of how the next fifteen years would unfold, I would never have believed it. In fact, several Springs would come and go without my having the free time to sit in silence and enjoy them.
In 2000 my daughter called me from college and asked me a single question that resulted in a kind of financial enlightenment, and it completely changed my understanding of money and finance. I had always been in debt, and as a contractor, I had always had lots of loans--construction project loans, credit-line loans, 90 day loans, bridge loans, mortgage loans, etc, but as a result of my daughter's phone call, I saw that there were hidden costs to being constantly in debt, and I understood why various long-term debts would never be paid off at the rate that I had expected. As a result of this realization, Carol and I sold our home, moved into a tiny apartment, and radically changed our lifestyle. We quit building speculative projects, and concentrated on building custom homes which the owners financed. Our goal was to get out of debt, and I began reading dozens of books about finance, accounting, and related subjects. After two months, I found a simple way of seeing the Big Picture, financially, at a single glance, and that gave us a way to measure the overall effect of all the different activities that we were pursuing. In short, we took on as much work as we were capable of handling, reduced expenses to a minimum, and spent the next ten years paying off all the debt.
During those ten years there was very little reflectivity, and I was more of a "human doing" than a "human being." LOL. I simply did what I had to do, and then did the next thing that I had to do. Life was relatively simple and straight forward. Because the mind did not reflect about a personal identity, there was little sense of having a personal identity separate from what was happening. Subsequently, however, another minor realization occurred--that the impersonal also manifests personally. This insight was not a big deal in the overall scheme of things, but it cleared up another subtle issue and led to an even greater sense of freedom. To put it simply, ego and self identity is also a manifestation of the cosmos, so fully accepting the personal, without becoming re-attached to the personal, is another small step beyond SR.
Many changes in lifestyle and preferences were noticed in the aftermath of SR, but those things changed again in the years afterwards, and it became obvious that people who meditate or pursue activities like ATA-T will have a range of experiences that are different (sometimes dramatically different) than people who do not. The experiences are not "better;" they are simply different. Anything that can be said about this issue will be paradoxical, because this issue is beyond the capability of language to capture. Suffice it to say that even without a typical "me" at the center of the body's actions, meditative activities will lead to greater detachment and a greater sense of aliveness than will an absence of such activities.
As I've watched all of the things that have happened over the last fifteen years, I've seen that the pathless path can never be accurately or adequately imagined; it can only be lived. Thoughts occur, but whether they will correspond to what happens is always problematic, and any attachment to a thought, idea, or belief will almost always sooner or later become a hindrance. Life does not need to make sense, and staying loose and having a good sense of humor makes life a lot more fun.
In short, any idea about how life will unfold either before or after SR is just an idea, and may or may not accord with how life actually unfolds. From my POV and experience, irritation, frustration, anger, and all other emotions and feelings can point in any direction and at anything, sentient or otherwise, and blame does not need to be an issue if there is no reflection ABOUT what's happening. The only idea worth its weight in gold is, "Don't get attached to any idea," and that includes this idea, too--ha ha.
The only kind of thoughts that matter to me are conscious thoughts. If there are unconscious thoughts occurring behind all of the activities of the body/mind, then they are unconscious, and therefore they do not concern me. I only know that if the intellect is relatively quiescent, and reflectivity is minimal, life remains pretty simple and direct.
How deep can one see into THIS? As far as I can tell, there is no limit. It is turtles all the way down. Ha ha. SR is obviously not the end of the journey; it is just one step along the way. Hakuin claimed that his deepest satori occurred more than a decade after he attained SR.
After SR, Ko Bong remained an alcoholic, Niz continued to smoke, Seung Sahn had an affair with one of his female students, Ikkyu committed suicide, and a famous prostitute supposedly remained a prostitute. How THIS will manifest in the future is unknowable in advance. Papaji's advice to people about the future was always, "Wait and see." What does this mean? It means that if we think some particular thing should or shouldn't happen, either before or after SR, we can wait and see. An idea is just an idea, and we may be very surprised at what eventually unfolds.
I have lots of stories about wild and unimaginable things that happened during the last fifteen years. At one time, for example, I took all of the money I was managing in five separate investment accounts (roughly a half million bucks) and put it into one single stock (thereby causing me to lose three nights of sleep as a result). How could I have imagined that I would ever do something so risky and seemingly crazy, and why would I do such a thing? I know the answer to these questions, but I wonder how many other people know? While writing this post, I realized that I probably have enough other unimaginable-but-true stuff that I could write about that I could probably fill up two or three books. We'll just have to wait and see if any of those potential books or stories ever see the light of day. ha ha
In 1999, after searching for the truth for almost 35 years, the "little guy in my head"--"me"-- suddenly disappeared; he simply wasn't there anymore. My last unanswered existential question had been, "How is it possible for "me" to stay in a unity-conscious state of mind permanently?" As soon as the little guy disappeared, the answer became obvious; there had never been a "me" who was sometimes in a split-mind condition and sometimes in a unity-conscious condition. All ideas about "me" as a self-center were based on a cognitive illusion. It became instantly obvious that the real actor behind what I imagined was "me" had been the cosmos, itself, and it had never been divided into a "me in here" and a "world out there." It had only seemed that way.
This realization was stunning, and it totally freed the body/mind from the spiritual search for truth. I/the cosmos finally understood the true situation, and could relax. The search was over. I understood what I had always wanted to understand, and I could finally see the Big Picture. Who I had thought I was had never existed in the way that I had imagined. This realization had two components. First, I could see that my past identity had been a thought-created illusion, and second, I could see that my true identity was THIS--the vastness of "what is." For this body/mind what I refer to as "THIS" was both concrete and ephemeral at the same time. Everything I looked at, or touched, was rock-solid in its isness, but at the same time it was insubstantial and dreamlike--like a momentary play of being. Later, the insubstantial and appearance-like aspect of life would increasingly solidify, and the concrete aspect would become more and more dominant.
Becoming free of the search for understanding led to considerable bliss over the next few days and weeks. I walked around just looking at the world in amazement, as if I were a detached cosmic witness of an incredible play. I walked through stores, and simply marveled at the huge array of items for sale. The colors, textures, and variety were spectacular. I sat on a park bench, and watched children and adults for hours as they came and went. I went to restaurants, and just watched everything that was happening around me. The world was alive with being, and I could feel the aliveness of it.
Inside and outside became one when the imaginary "me" disappeared, and there was no longer any resistance to thoughts. I had spent almost 15 years shifting attention away from thoughts to what could be directly perceived through the senses, but there was no longer any need to do that because the one who was imagined as the shifter of attention had vanished. Now it was obvious that all shifts of attention and all states of mind are just aspects of THIS.
On this forum we call what I've described above, "Self-Realization," or SR. As many of us have noted in other posts, after SR, a whole group of thinking patterns cease to occur because the one who was imagined to be at the center of those thinking patterns is no longer there in the same way. The cosmos, as a human being, continues to think, but there is no separate person who is imagined to exist at the center of the thinking, and this becomes obvious. Thinking simply happens.
After SR, which occurred following a week-long mountain-hiking ATA-T retreat, I flew home and went back to work. Over the next few weeks, all kinds of ideas arose concerning how I thought that the future would unfold. One thought that I vividly remember was, "I'll never miss another Springtime." I thought that I would always remain conscious of the beauty that unfolds during Spring--the flowers, the trees, the colors, etc. Because I had always been so busy with construction projects and meeting deadlines, I had often in the past felt like I had been too busy to sit, watch, and enjoy the seasons as they changed. Because the intensity of the spiritual search had ended, and there was an overwhelming sense of Presence, I imagined that I would have a lot more free time in the future to sit and enjoy looking at the world in appreciation, enjoyment, and gratitude. As it turned out, however, this was just another crazy idea, and during the next few years I ended up having to work harder and longer than ever before. The script, so to speak, was not what I envisioned during the days when I was still blissed out by becoming free. If at that time I had been given a literal script of how the next fifteen years would unfold, I would never have believed it. In fact, several Springs would come and go without my having the free time to sit in silence and enjoy them.
In 2000 my daughter called me from college and asked me a single question that resulted in a kind of financial enlightenment, and it completely changed my understanding of money and finance. I had always been in debt, and as a contractor, I had always had lots of loans--construction project loans, credit-line loans, 90 day loans, bridge loans, mortgage loans, etc, but as a result of my daughter's phone call, I saw that there were hidden costs to being constantly in debt, and I understood why various long-term debts would never be paid off at the rate that I had expected. As a result of this realization, Carol and I sold our home, moved into a tiny apartment, and radically changed our lifestyle. We quit building speculative projects, and concentrated on building custom homes which the owners financed. Our goal was to get out of debt, and I began reading dozens of books about finance, accounting, and related subjects. After two months, I found a simple way of seeing the Big Picture, financially, at a single glance, and that gave us a way to measure the overall effect of all the different activities that we were pursuing. In short, we took on as much work as we were capable of handling, reduced expenses to a minimum, and spent the next ten years paying off all the debt.
During those ten years there was very little reflectivity, and I was more of a "human doing" than a "human being." LOL. I simply did what I had to do, and then did the next thing that I had to do. Life was relatively simple and straight forward. Because the mind did not reflect about a personal identity, there was little sense of having a personal identity separate from what was happening. Subsequently, however, another minor realization occurred--that the impersonal also manifests personally. This insight was not a big deal in the overall scheme of things, but it cleared up another subtle issue and led to an even greater sense of freedom. To put it simply, ego and self identity is also a manifestation of the cosmos, so fully accepting the personal, without becoming re-attached to the personal, is another small step beyond SR.
Many changes in lifestyle and preferences were noticed in the aftermath of SR, but those things changed again in the years afterwards, and it became obvious that people who meditate or pursue activities like ATA-T will have a range of experiences that are different (sometimes dramatically different) than people who do not. The experiences are not "better;" they are simply different. Anything that can be said about this issue will be paradoxical, because this issue is beyond the capability of language to capture. Suffice it to say that even without a typical "me" at the center of the body's actions, meditative activities will lead to greater detachment and a greater sense of aliveness than will an absence of such activities.
As I've watched all of the things that have happened over the last fifteen years, I've seen that the pathless path can never be accurately or adequately imagined; it can only be lived. Thoughts occur, but whether they will correspond to what happens is always problematic, and any attachment to a thought, idea, or belief will almost always sooner or later become a hindrance. Life does not need to make sense, and staying loose and having a good sense of humor makes life a lot more fun.
In short, any idea about how life will unfold either before or after SR is just an idea, and may or may not accord with how life actually unfolds. From my POV and experience, irritation, frustration, anger, and all other emotions and feelings can point in any direction and at anything, sentient or otherwise, and blame does not need to be an issue if there is no reflection ABOUT what's happening. The only idea worth its weight in gold is, "Don't get attached to any idea," and that includes this idea, too--ha ha.
The only kind of thoughts that matter to me are conscious thoughts. If there are unconscious thoughts occurring behind all of the activities of the body/mind, then they are unconscious, and therefore they do not concern me. I only know that if the intellect is relatively quiescent, and reflectivity is minimal, life remains pretty simple and direct.
How deep can one see into THIS? As far as I can tell, there is no limit. It is turtles all the way down. Ha ha. SR is obviously not the end of the journey; it is just one step along the way. Hakuin claimed that his deepest satori occurred more than a decade after he attained SR.
After SR, Ko Bong remained an alcoholic, Niz continued to smoke, Seung Sahn had an affair with one of his female students, Ikkyu committed suicide, and a famous prostitute supposedly remained a prostitute. How THIS will manifest in the future is unknowable in advance. Papaji's advice to people about the future was always, "Wait and see." What does this mean? It means that if we think some particular thing should or shouldn't happen, either before or after SR, we can wait and see. An idea is just an idea, and we may be very surprised at what eventually unfolds.
I have lots of stories about wild and unimaginable things that happened during the last fifteen years. At one time, for example, I took all of the money I was managing in five separate investment accounts (roughly a half million bucks) and put it into one single stock (thereby causing me to lose three nights of sleep as a result). How could I have imagined that I would ever do something so risky and seemingly crazy, and why would I do such a thing? I know the answer to these questions, but I wonder how many other people know? While writing this post, I realized that I probably have enough other unimaginable-but-true stuff that I could write about that I could probably fill up two or three books. We'll just have to wait and see if any of those potential books or stories ever see the light of day. ha ha
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