Post by souley on May 10, 2011 7:28:56 GMT -5
So I was walking in the woods trying to do some good old ATA (attending the actual 
. It was working pretty good as usual and I was enjoying it somewhat. But I have done this hundreds of times, and while I feel present and spiritual I know that it always fades, and I walk around wanting to keep myself in that state.
So after a while I noticed I was thinking a lot about some crap, which always happens, and I always get annoyed by this. I get annoyed, and then I get annoyed about being annoyed, and maybe I finally drop that and go back to just being. Anyway this time I just felt so fed up with this serious internal conflict that has been going on for so long.
I try to attend the actual - some other part of me wants nothing else then to think think think.
I want the self to somehow diminish - another part of me equals that to death.
Every time I start to think or refer to "self" I get this internal conflict again. I did some investigation of this self thing, and while it is hard to pinpoint the self, I really do feel like I have a self. But I walk around all the time trying to convince my self that I do not. For example: I feel that I have a body. I learned through spiritual concepts and my own misunderstanding that this is wrong. "You are not your body". So while I have this internalized knowledge that I have a body, I try to push this out by adding another knowledge "You are not your body".
I was very fed up with all these conflicts, so I though OK, what would happen if I dropped all this spiritual crap that I have heard, and just went by what I myself feel? What is true for me? What do I know about my self?
I felt very strongly that I trusted that I somehow am this awareness, being, thing whatever you call it, and that I am more then this flesh thing called a human. So I though OK, since I probably am this thing already, how could there be anything that I need to know, that I do not already know? How can internalizing a message like "You are not your body" help me? How can adding knowledge to IT that by all rights is absolutely the only thing that has any knowledge about ITs nature, help IT to realize itself?
I already know everything - this felt true to me. What is it that I know? I tried to conceptualize what I know, but every time I tried I failed. OK - return to what I know. What I know is a feeling (ish) beyong all concepts, that cannot be conceptualized. I realized that a word like awareness, is so far away from that it is completely worthless. I already know everything. But this everything, is not possible to conceptualize. Hence we say that we know nothing. "not knowing" is the full knowing of everything that can be known. It is THIS without anything added. Do not believe a statement like "you are not your body". "You are awareness". Do not try to internalize a belief like that. Do not try to replace your current conceptual belief system by a spiritual one. What do YOU know? Do you know anything that can be put into a concept?
Basically I realized that I already know everything about my self, and that knowing is the knowing that cannot be expressed through any concepts - it just is. It is the foundation, it is the only knowing that can't be expressed. It is what you know when you are completely silent. Somehow this was very liberating, I lost all faith in all concepts.
It is possible that I had the final realization, it was like the little liberating feeling of diving into the water head first... fresh! But no experience, just this. I can't convey it very well through words but I though I should try at least, maybe someone could use it. I probably just was fed up enough with concepts to be able to sincerely ask the ultimate koan, and got answered. A train passed by and I just bathed in the sound drowning everything else. I almost cried a little because existence somehow can fully show itself, when it is not part of any concept. It just is.. and its magical, undefined, and completely exactly normal like before..
Now a couple of hours later nothing has changed it seems. I got hungry so I bought an ice cream and then walked home and started typing this junk!
. It was working pretty good as usual and I was enjoying it somewhat. But I have done this hundreds of times, and while I feel present and spiritual I know that it always fades, and I walk around wanting to keep myself in that state.So after a while I noticed I was thinking a lot about some crap, which always happens, and I always get annoyed by this. I get annoyed, and then I get annoyed about being annoyed, and maybe I finally drop that and go back to just being. Anyway this time I just felt so fed up with this serious internal conflict that has been going on for so long.
I try to attend the actual - some other part of me wants nothing else then to think think think.
I want the self to somehow diminish - another part of me equals that to death.
Every time I start to think or refer to "self" I get this internal conflict again. I did some investigation of this self thing, and while it is hard to pinpoint the self, I really do feel like I have a self. But I walk around all the time trying to convince my self that I do not. For example: I feel that I have a body. I learned through spiritual concepts and my own misunderstanding that this is wrong. "You are not your body". So while I have this internalized knowledge that I have a body, I try to push this out by adding another knowledge "You are not your body".
I was very fed up with all these conflicts, so I though OK, what would happen if I dropped all this spiritual crap that I have heard, and just went by what I myself feel? What is true for me? What do I know about my self?
I felt very strongly that I trusted that I somehow am this awareness, being, thing whatever you call it, and that I am more then this flesh thing called a human. So I though OK, since I probably am this thing already, how could there be anything that I need to know, that I do not already know? How can internalizing a message like "You are not your body" help me? How can adding knowledge to IT that by all rights is absolutely the only thing that has any knowledge about ITs nature, help IT to realize itself?
I already know everything - this felt true to me. What is it that I know? I tried to conceptualize what I know, but every time I tried I failed. OK - return to what I know. What I know is a feeling (ish) beyong all concepts, that cannot be conceptualized. I realized that a word like awareness, is so far away from that it is completely worthless. I already know everything. But this everything, is not possible to conceptualize. Hence we say that we know nothing. "not knowing" is the full knowing of everything that can be known. It is THIS without anything added. Do not believe a statement like "you are not your body". "You are awareness". Do not try to internalize a belief like that. Do not try to replace your current conceptual belief system by a spiritual one. What do YOU know? Do you know anything that can be put into a concept?
Basically I realized that I already know everything about my self, and that knowing is the knowing that cannot be expressed through any concepts - it just is. It is the foundation, it is the only knowing that can't be expressed. It is what you know when you are completely silent. Somehow this was very liberating, I lost all faith in all concepts.
It is possible that I had the final realization, it was like the little liberating feeling of diving into the water head first... fresh! But no experience, just this. I can't convey it very well through words but I though I should try at least, maybe someone could use it. I probably just was fed up enough with concepts to be able to sincerely ask the ultimate koan, and got answered. A train passed by and I just bathed in the sound drowning everything else. I almost cried a little because existence somehow can fully show itself, when it is not part of any concept. It just is.. and its magical, undefined, and completely exactly normal like before..
Now a couple of hours later nothing has changed it seems. I got hungry so I bought an ice cream and then walked home and started typing this junk!
