Post by angela on Mar 11, 2011 23:16:49 GMT -5
on this message board, i've been really fascinated by the ruthless truth thread, and have posted there more than anything. mainly because, from a personal standpoint, i've been really hungry to see if i could find any REAL and HONEST answers that address the darkness that has been my constant companion since finally coming clear and clean on the no-self thing.
i have been hungry, desperate almost, to find anyone, anywhere, addressing this next movement. for the most part, i don't find anything satisfying, but maybe that's part of the journey.
i find myself fascinated at this point by anyone who seems like they know anything. and for the most part, it seems to me, i play my own version of a character here - mainly asking questions, staying curious, because as i said.... i'm thirsty, hungry beyond belief, for some kind of understanding about what the hell is going on in my own life. because i'm looking for people around who seem to see this unfathomable mystery in all things. people who have been reduced, humbled, humiliated, exsanguinated and otherwise murdered backwards into this deep mindf**k called I DONT KNOW
selfishly, i use this board, in whatever way i can, to try to see clearly. like everything else in my life. i am sorry to admit how selfish i really am, but that's the way it rolls.
the thing is - i come here to this board, looking for these answers, even though i know the answers are not to be had. i am crystal clear on how little can be known, how very, very little.... how, in fact, nothing at all can be known with this tool called the mind, about this thing called mystery. it's just not the tool for the job.
see. for me, it wasn't hard to see there was no self. honestly. i may have spent 7 years storming the gates of heaven, in this furious struggle to "better myself" but that was before i even heard about no-self. all that energy was spent trying to go......? for what reason? who knows. anyway. once the no self thing became a part of my awareness, it was clear, and obvious, and that was that.
but, see, the world. and the people in it.
aww..... jesus, this is where the pain hits.
it's like, okay, i always knew somehow, through my whole life, i just knew i was a lie. i knew i was made up of smoke and mirrors. but i had this great love for the world, this great faith in the world, in the beauty and richness, in the interactions, in the goodness underneath people's b.s..... i have had epic, unimaginable love for this whole world.
and right now, right now, i have been hit by a 400000 ton brick. a brick called "well honey, if you don't exist, no one else does either" and then a second brick called "well, if you can't know anything for sure, then none of this is real"
and here, exhausted, drained dry by the constant efforting of a self to understand, to know, to figure it out, to 'get it', to become, to..... whatever...... i think i am finally done, and finally able to see what was so fascinating to me about ruthless truth, above and beyond all the other threads.
i was praying, i think, at the depths of me, that with all that swagger and certainty, that maybe in there was someone who actually knew something. hell, they say they know stuff. so the last threads of this beaten down movement called angela, a furious argument with what is, if ever there was one.... well, those threads were praying for deliverance. praying that they weren't going to have to give into this darkness.
it's a long, sorrid story, this angela tale. and not worth telling.
why so many words, then, in this ridiculously humiliating post?
because i wanted to talk honestly about the darkness that comes when we admit that we don't know anything. i wanted to talk about the pain that comes when we realize the world seems more like a cardboard cutout than a real, vibrant world because we've recognized we can't know anything outside of our sense and experience. i wanted to talk about how strange it is to be at the grocery store and realize that despite appearances of business, it's empty and barren of a speck of life in any direction.
this is the part where jesus said "once you find, you will be disturbed".... this is the mountains are not mountains, and rivers are not rivers...... this is the annihilation of the emptiness, showing itself to me in all it's brutal glory.
and i wanted to see if i was the only one who sometimes stares numbly at my ceiling and cries, because all those years i was chasing god, and now god is chasing me. with a knife. and this is the end of everything that mattered to me, and yet, it is the answer to every prayer i ever prayed in my entire life.
i have been hungry, desperate almost, to find anyone, anywhere, addressing this next movement. for the most part, i don't find anything satisfying, but maybe that's part of the journey.
i find myself fascinated at this point by anyone who seems like they know anything. and for the most part, it seems to me, i play my own version of a character here - mainly asking questions, staying curious, because as i said.... i'm thirsty, hungry beyond belief, for some kind of understanding about what the hell is going on in my own life. because i'm looking for people around who seem to see this unfathomable mystery in all things. people who have been reduced, humbled, humiliated, exsanguinated and otherwise murdered backwards into this deep mindf**k called I DONT KNOW
selfishly, i use this board, in whatever way i can, to try to see clearly. like everything else in my life. i am sorry to admit how selfish i really am, but that's the way it rolls.
the thing is - i come here to this board, looking for these answers, even though i know the answers are not to be had. i am crystal clear on how little can be known, how very, very little.... how, in fact, nothing at all can be known with this tool called the mind, about this thing called mystery. it's just not the tool for the job.
see. for me, it wasn't hard to see there was no self. honestly. i may have spent 7 years storming the gates of heaven, in this furious struggle to "better myself" but that was before i even heard about no-self. all that energy was spent trying to go......? for what reason? who knows. anyway. once the no self thing became a part of my awareness, it was clear, and obvious, and that was that.
but, see, the world. and the people in it.
aww..... jesus, this is where the pain hits.
it's like, okay, i always knew somehow, through my whole life, i just knew i was a lie. i knew i was made up of smoke and mirrors. but i had this great love for the world, this great faith in the world, in the beauty and richness, in the interactions, in the goodness underneath people's b.s..... i have had epic, unimaginable love for this whole world.
and right now, right now, i have been hit by a 400000 ton brick. a brick called "well honey, if you don't exist, no one else does either" and then a second brick called "well, if you can't know anything for sure, then none of this is real"
and here, exhausted, drained dry by the constant efforting of a self to understand, to know, to figure it out, to 'get it', to become, to..... whatever...... i think i am finally done, and finally able to see what was so fascinating to me about ruthless truth, above and beyond all the other threads.
i was praying, i think, at the depths of me, that with all that swagger and certainty, that maybe in there was someone who actually knew something. hell, they say they know stuff. so the last threads of this beaten down movement called angela, a furious argument with what is, if ever there was one.... well, those threads were praying for deliverance. praying that they weren't going to have to give into this darkness.
it's a long, sorrid story, this angela tale. and not worth telling.
why so many words, then, in this ridiculously humiliating post?
because i wanted to talk honestly about the darkness that comes when we admit that we don't know anything. i wanted to talk about the pain that comes when we realize the world seems more like a cardboard cutout than a real, vibrant world because we've recognized we can't know anything outside of our sense and experience. i wanted to talk about how strange it is to be at the grocery store and realize that despite appearances of business, it's empty and barren of a speck of life in any direction.
this is the part where jesus said "once you find, you will be disturbed".... this is the mountains are not mountains, and rivers are not rivers...... this is the annihilation of the emptiness, showing itself to me in all it's brutal glory.
and i wanted to see if i was the only one who sometimes stares numbly at my ceiling and cries, because all those years i was chasing god, and now god is chasing me. with a knife. and this is the end of everything that mattered to me, and yet, it is the answer to every prayer i ever prayed in my entire life.