Today's conclusions, or: Dazed in the maze.

[frustratedwanter]

A) There is no knower (seer, hearer, thinker, etc.) there is only the known (seen, heard, thought, etceterated).
B) Something "knows".
C) That which knows is already present, does not need to "find" itself.
D) That which is seeking is the only one that doesn't know what's going on.
E) It's not what you think it is.
F) Return to "A".

Dude will keep seeking, let you know what he finds.

I find I don't know how to get those smilies (the real, yellow ones) into this message.

[angela]

are you sure the yellow smiles are real?

: )

G) careful what you wish for, or your whole alphabet will blow up.

[frustratedwanter]

They're as yellow as mine, and I think THAT's real!

[frustratedwanter]

And today's conclusions:
Resistance is futile.
Seeking is futile.
That which is already present is already present.
I seek with the mind of separation;
searching for an object which can be observed,
perhaps understood.
There can be no object in Oneness. No witness.
Creation knows itself, a constant unfolding.
Or something.
No understanding that!


Shortly before becoming my "ex" my wife told me: "I want what I want, when I want, how I want it!"
Another frustrated wanter I suppose.
I'm thinking awareness is much like that.
I sit, sensations arise.
I try to attend to this, concentrate on that, direct energy one way or the other.
Poor fool that I am.
If awareness is the Big Cookie doesn't it know what to attend to?
Isn't the arising of sensation itself where awareness wants to go,
when it wants to go,
how it wants to go?
The unmanifest manifesting?

The controlling entity tries to relax.
Let go.
Drop into being.

[enigma]

Hehe. That's pretty good, akchuly.

[frustratedwanter]

Todays conclusion:
Screw it. Go for a walk.

[charliegee]

laughed out loud at your last comment ...

[frustratedwanter]

On my ex and "I want what I want etc" being like awareness.
The conclusion that day was to let awareness have it's way.
Suppose I could have done the same with the wife.
Not really. Did have that thought though.
Anyway....

For years I've been looking for something.
Not sure what. More. Better.
Something more better.
Lots of ideas about it. Different names. Different games.
I look inside and try and get a fix on exactly what the problem might be.
Get lots of ideas about that too. Different names.
But the truth is I can't pinpoint anything. I draw a blank.
I come up empty.

I sit every day.
Sometimes I think it might be easier to find an answer if I only knew the question.
I look inside for that and I gotta say;
it's like looking into a void.
Nothing.
I look at things and try to find what is looking.
I find nothing.

Found a discussion about Krishnamurti yesterday in the teachers forum.
I've been revisiting him lately. I find him a hard read,
always trying to lead me to my own realizations.
Irritating.
But he talks about people running from the emptiness that they are.
"HUH?" I say;
this "thing" that keeps on looking inside and finding nothing,
"What on earth is he talking about?"

It kind of makes sense that an emptiness would want more.
Hell, if you got nothing a bent twig is a good find!
What good is a Void if you can't fill it?
Can't say I've come to any conclusions today.
If it wasn't snowing I'd go look for a bent twig.
But I'll keep looking for that Big Cookie I keep hearing about.
For I am the frustrated wanter.
Sooner or later I'm bound to find it.

[frustratedwanter]

"You are that which experiences, and that which experiences can never be experienced."
Karl Renz.

Hoo boy! Gonna play with that!
/////////
I look for that which can never be experienced with an intense ferocity.
For a few seconds there's a movement to laugh/cry simultaneously.

"Did you not listen to what I just said?"
Yes! That's why I laugh!
Yes!
But the seeker must seek!
The wanter must want!
That's why I cry!
Having written that perhaps I can relax.
Maybe it's just coffee.
/////////////////////////
Maybe I should let my experiencing settle down for a few minutes.
THEN I can look for the experiencer.
I bet it's just the coffee.
//////////////////////////
Maybe I cried 'cause I listened.
Maybe I laughed 'cause I want.
This "sitting" is not meeting the acceptable form.
Pure indulgence.
It's the coffee.
////////////////
Pure experiencing must allow for manipulation, no?
/////////////////
Overly excited/interested in posting stuff.
Interferes with sitting.

That's a conclusion.
Much later, after a walk:

I'll never find what I never lost.
Never.
Ever.
I can't lose it either.
It's hopeless.

Sometimes I forget.
I simply forget.

THEN!
I REMEMBER!
I MUST FIND IT!
I MUST!

and lastly:
"Ego, Shmego!"

Battered and bruised by those that came before.
Battered and bruised by that which came after.
Finally,
the door is left open.
From the back of the cage
the Battered looks out at the green meadow,
uncertain.
Have a heart.

[frustratedwanter]

Just realized every time I post I go to the top of the list.
As long as I keep posting, I'll never lose myself.

[therealfake]

Feb 27, 2011 18:41:19 GMT -5 frustratedwanter said:

Just realized every time I post I go to the top of the list.
As long as I keep posting, I'll never lose myself.

The thought of 'no self', followed by the thought of a 'no self' never losing itself, is incredibly funny...

...kind of like this post, the words are appearing, so they're not lost, but there isn't a self typing them.

Although it's not nearly as funny as the first thought.

HahaHaha...

"Smack"

[frustratedwanter]

On a good day, I laugh and laugh! Don't ask me who is laughing. Recognition of idiocy is pure humor. I only stop by. I seek abidance in understanding. Understanding what I have yet to know.
On a good day I laugh and laugh. Dumb ass seeker has no room for laughing. Wish I didn't think I was the dumb ass seeker.

[frustratedwanter]

Being a dumb ass seeker. Wishing I wasn't a dumb ass seeker.
All the permutations of a never lost wishing it could find.
An un-findable wishing it could know.
The sewer backs up.
Try to keep your feet out of the water.

[frustratedwanter]

Whatever that means!

[frustratedwanter]

Dirty feet.