Do I need some cleaning ?

[m]

I feel I may need some cleaning.

Any help most welcome

m

[frankshank]

You still on the booze m?

[m]

Thanks for answering frankshank!
To start before we begin, forgive my lack of english vocabulary,what means "booze"?
m

Jan 1, 2011 13:47:07 GMT -5 frankshank said:

You still on the booze m?

[frankshank]

Sorry m, booze is another word for alcohol. I was suggesting that you might still be drunk after the new year celebrations in a jokey way as your post seemed quite obscure. In other words, what do you mean?

[enigma]

I'm thinkin a simple shower might do the trick.

[Portto]

M: the guys are joking, but your post is not clear... starting with the title.

[m]

Jan 1, 2011 15:08:58 GMT -5 Portto said:

M: the guys are joking, but your post is not clear... starting with the title.

Thank you all!

porto of course you are right 200% !
That's exactly the point and the whole meaning of this post. I just know I feel I may need some cleaning.
I could have said few things to start but I thought wiser not to induce anything and surrender to your leading.

m

[Portto]

Hehe, OK, I will let the distance healers do their job!

[m]

I don't think I am playing game, but oviously, few information are required even if I don't know which ones

So let's try with what happened since I left for my retreat in the monastory.

I had in mind advices Zendancer gave me: "Run silent, run deep."

on the very day i arrived on the spot, in the afternoon I stayed lying on my bed, half asleep for may be two hours. At the same time I was dreaming, knowing that i was dreaming and having ideas and emotions about the dream, I was hearing people speaking in the room next to mine and had thoughts and emotion about who they were and what they said. Last time I had things like that happening with dream that was back in 75. And I had a very hard time trying ta completely wake up.

The following night I was dreaming in english (?) asking "How to help another. " and
answering " deeper and wider (in the same context).

From the next day to the end of the retreat the pain in my back went really worst like it was two month ago (I'm on recovering from a backbone break in september 2009) so I couls hardly go to the church and attend the mass. My stomach went bad as well and I had lot of nightmares every night.

All that is is a centering on the middle of my chest, slightly warm and constant and the willing to be with whatever is. And, days and night I am kind of continuously stoned-asleep.
At one point I realise I am after "experiences" and at that very moment I have a kind of dropping the whole thing. Which is liberating in a way.
I feel I am good for nothing, totally spacy and lazy. Missing the mass, arriving late for lunch. I eventually let the whole thing be and went into reading most of the day three big books about the history of christianity in Europe.

Having heard about a teaching the religious of the place had about how to deal with "New-Age people, I totally freaked out. I could'nt believe how upset I was. I had to go all the way to have a meeting with the religious leader. Which was very embarassing to me because I was crying my paranoïa while being totally inaffected about the whole happening in the back ground. That, oneway or another, set me free of any attempts to belong to anykind of group.

Back to town, after making everythings ok (food and lodging) I realised I felt more alone as ever. I was as well dropping the idea of starting, continuing and finishing many writings I wanted to do about all the trials and upheaval I met since more than two years now.
I had a glance at what was going on on spiritual teachers. org but wanted first to give a try to Ruthfultruth. Having to ask for acces to the duel ground through mail, I did. I had a short e-mail exchange and the Ruthfultruth guy just gave up. So no acces to the duel ground.

Then stumbling on a french "non-dual" forum I started posting on it. Which seemed to give me a lot of energy back.

Inside me, like since two months I still had the sort of very stable "heart connexion" going on, slightly warm. It has to do a lot with space. Although it is a very precise spot in the middle of the chest, it is as well everywhere (in and out of my body) at the same time.
At one time, yesterday, once I stood up, it was as if did not: I was the space in which my body stood up. And till now it is my being the space within which I do whatever I do.
Today I shut my phone. I did not want any of the "Happy New-Year" calling. I still feel very fragile, sensitive, emotional. i have a very intense and strong will not to be disturbed by anything outside. this afternoon I had once again a very difficult time in trying to get out of my half-sleeping.

Going with everything there is the pervasing sensation? feeling? That since I was 5 years old (I don't remember youger) I am strugling with a self/ denied-awaken state (this is where I feel the most certain-and-unclear). As if it's all about doubting my seeing and fighting my doubting (I two three times had to go through this pattern which is well known to me but never as deep and never about when i was 5 years old.) It is as well as if there was a kind of dragging deep all the nuts to be able to breakthrough.
I may be missing a lot of stuff in my explaining what I am into now. I gave all I could remember.

m

Jan 1, 2011 15:43:43 GMT -5 Portto said:

Hehe, OK, I will let the distance healers do their job!

[therealfake]

Hi M,


Not being a teacher, I can only give you a few of my observations and thoughts.

Firstly, you won't feel any peace from this, but everything is OK and unfolding as it should.

After all, fundamentally your God and your getting all the lessons you need to find this out for yourself.

I noticed in your post, you said "I", referring to yourself, at least 50 times. That's a hint, I think, that your attention is focused almost entirely on the illusory "me", as opposed to that which is actually real in your life, "Being".

It's the proverbial can't see the forest for the trees.

According to one satsang teacher, Burt Harding, I think, "See" things as they actually "are".

You know, I am experiencing a thought, an emotion, a pain in the body, as just a thought, just an emotion, or just a pain in the body.

Try sitting fully aware in the now with your pain, emotional or physical. Locate the exact area in which it is felt and go deep into it, explore it without the "my" pain identity.

To feel pain is just looking at it, going deeper and "Seeing" it, or exploring it's essence, is a different matter all together.

Now this might sound crazy, but you can even try loving the pain.

By loving it your not resisting it, as the adage goes, "that which we resist, persists" or as Jesus said, "resist not evil"

Focus your attention on that and it'll cut through a lot of the "me" clutter.

TRF

[karen]

And it's a million times easier to do that when one practices non-conceptual awareness regularly all the time throughout the day.

[m]

Therealfake,karen,

Thank you for your post.
May be I can reframe my "asking for cleaning". It's not about getting to the real "me" or the real "I", nor seeing things as they actually are" nor "what is actually real in my life".

And, by the way the "no you", "no me", "no I" is as risky and may be much more risky game because it sends a lot of people in a "no...land" believing this is all there is, becoming kind of gost, speaking like robots... well kind of spacing out... In this matter I find the ZD' "do the dishes!", much more right to the point... and "you" are to be there to do the dishes! a no-person cannot do anything!

What I'm still interested in is about help about the content of my life, the processes of the content. the patterns.
Therealfake you said : "everything is OK and unfolding as it should", right, I do believe so as well but this is like "your room is a real mess and it's ok!" does'nt help me "cleaning the room" if I have to, if I would be better off to do it.
m
.

[zendancer]

M: You don;t have to clean anything and you don't have to do anything. Everything is being done through you. As for the dishes, no, there is no one there to do the dishes. If there is no imagining, the entire act is empty of self or other. As TRF wrote, you are still thinking about "your" life and the content of "your" life. Stop reflecting! Don't indulge in the story of "m." Put it all down. Place attention upon what is actual and leave it there. Look, listen, feel, taste, smell. Forget everything you know. Give up trying to understand. Get into the action.

[m]

Alright, I thougt it was fun, but I bet you're right. I quit the whole game.
Thank's ZD
m

Jan 3, 2011 7:30:43 GMT -5 zendancer said:

M: You don;t have to clean anything and you don't have to do anything. Everything is being done through you. As for the dishes, no, there is no one there to do the dishes. If there is no imagining, the entire act is empty of self or other. As TRF wrote, you are still thinking about "your" life and the content of "your" life. Stop reflecting! Don't indulge in the story of "m." Put it all down. Place attention upon what is actual and leave it there. Look, listen, feel, taste, smell. Forget everything you know. Give up trying to understand. Get into the action.

[m]

How true ! All of it!
Thank's again ZD

Jan 3, 2011 7:30:43 GMT -5 zendancer said:

M: You don;t have to clean anything and you don't have to do anything. Everything is being done through you. As for the dishes, no, there is no one there to do the dishes. If there is no imagining, the entire act is empty of self or other. As TRF wrote, you are still thinking about "your" life and the content of "your" life. Stop reflecting! Don't indulge in the story of "m." Put it all down. Place attention upon what is actual and leave it there. Look, listen, feel, taste, smell. Forget everything you know. Give up trying to understand. Get into the action.