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Post by angela on Oct 29, 2011 8:58:05 GMT -5
i haven't really written a thread in a while, haven't had much to say. the last 6 months or so i've fallen away from any desire really to talk about all this. the reality is that i realize how long, and how deeply i spent my life hiding inside what i called "spiritual" and pushing the "real" world away. and since i can't do that anymore, places like this don't really appeal to me right now. (although i love everyone here very dearly, and remain unimaginably grateful for this space) lately, though, as my spiritual ego has been outed and is no longer a place to hide.... another thing has been happening, and it was only this week i realized it was happening. most of my 35 years i've been so highly intuitive it was almost like being psychic. i ALWAYS had a powerful connection to this gut knowing, this sort of radar that would give me a strong "yes" or "no" to life.... showing me which way to go and what to do next. people commented that it was like i was guided, and in a sense, there was a bit of arrogance around that kind of guideance, pride in the fact that i always just knew what to do next. it's taken months for me to realize what was going on, as life became more and more dry, confusing, dark and all that.... but the reality is that my intuition is leaving me, is mostly gone now, and the depth of this unknowing is beyond anything i ever could have imagined. my teacher had told me that eventually all relationship, including that with my intuition, would eventually leave me. and during these last years of burning through illusions, i have had these agonizing breaks in knowing where i was humbled into "i don't know" again and again. but somehow, i guess those "i don't know" events were different than this one. this knowing was personal, it was my intuition, and in a major way was probably a HUGE part of my identity that i didn't even recognize as such. anyway. here it is today and life feels..... well, odd beyond description. i have no more strong inner "yes" or "no" to life left. there's just this. and i don't know how to move anymore, what to do, where to go, anything. that'd be fine, i guess, if i had been living like a normal person, with a job and a home etc. but i was too busy being 'spiritual" all these years, and have no real life skills whatsoever. i live in a van, have dropped out of college 5 times, have no long term job references and on and on..... without knowing what to do, without any basic support for how to live in the "regular" world.... there's just this. and i can't even get worked up about it all. but i'm curious. so i write this thread, wondering about other folks experiences with such a deep loss of inner guide. it might be useful for me at this point. or maybe not, who knows. but the fingers are typing, and the cursor is going to hit 'post message'.....  |
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Post by Portto on Oct 29, 2011 10:08:33 GMT -5
Hi Angela,
Interesting path!
I also lost a lot of stuff when I became interested in finding out who I 'really' am.
The nice thing is that you can now do whatever you want without having to worry. And there's always something that has to be done. The more you relax, the more that becomes obvious.
The 'inner guide' is an illusion. The guide is everywhere, so you didn't lose it!
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Post by question on Oct 29, 2011 10:11:12 GMT -5
Poor Angela.  Welcome to how normal people feel. You'll get used to it. If you feel down too much, you can still return to what is real and smell the flowers or sumthin'. As for money problems, start making satsangs, if you're pretty I'm sure you'll get plenty of donations. |
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Post by Portto on Oct 29, 2011 10:17:47 GMT -5
Good one, Question!
Lots of insights, although there is a constriction somewhere in there.
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Post by popee2 on Oct 29, 2011 10:31:04 GMT -5
best wishes angela
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Post by ivory on Oct 29, 2011 10:57:40 GMT -5
Angela, I always thought the idea of intuition was horse dookie. Call it gut knowing if you will, but in the end, you're "knowing" with the mind. So it's just as suspect to BS as any other thought.
At any rate, I have never known what to do or how to be. And just look at me... I am doing awesome! (that's a joke. since the spiritual search i have been depressed, homeless, unemployed, looney bin worthy, suicidal, and i feel like god himself is hunting me with a sniper rifle (other than that i really am doing fine)).
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Post by angela on Oct 29, 2011 11:57:02 GMT -5
nothing in it all to lament, i might add. it's just weird. really weird. like going from having sight your whole life to being blind, in a sense. or you've lived in an english speaking country your whole life and now you're somewhere that everyone speaks russian and no one will help you learn russian. it's that different.
every time i talk to adyashanti i say something about it being weird. he always goes, okay, so it's weird. you get used to weird. and i do.
but adjusting is a challenge and that's the joy for me of talking to other people. i am just curious about other people's experiences with losing their knowing, in whatever form i guess it had been available to them. ivory's right though, in the end it's all a story. even intuition never meant i knew a damn thing. it just meant the ride felt really, really groovy.
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Post by therealfake on Oct 29, 2011 12:18:49 GMT -5
i haven't really written a thread in a while, haven't had much to say. the last 6 months or so i've fallen away from any desire really to talk about all this. the reality is that i realize how long, and how deeply i spent my life hiding inside what i called "spiritual" and pushing the "real" world away. and since i can't do that anymore, places like this don't really appeal to me right now. (although i love everyone here very dearly, and remain unimaginably grateful for this space) lately, though, as my spiritual ego has been outed and is no longer a place to hide.... another thing has been happening, and it was only this week i realized it was happening. most of my 35 years i've been so highly intuitive it was almost like being psychic. i ALWAYS had a powerful connection to this gut knowing, this sort of radar that would give me a strong "yes" or "no" to life.... showing me which way to go and what to do next. people commented that it was like i was guided, and in a sense, there was a bit of arrogance around that kind of guideance, pride in the fact that i always just knew what to do next. it's taken months for me to realize what was going on, as life became more and more dry, confusing, dark and all that.... but the reality is that my intuition is leaving me, is mostly gone now, and the depth of this unknowing is beyond anything i ever could have imagined. my teacher had told me that eventually all relationship, including that with my intuition, would eventually leave me. and during these last years of burning through illusions, i have had these agonizing breaks in knowing where i was humbled into "i don't know" again and again. but somehow, i guess those "i don't know" events were different than this one. this knowing was personal, it was my intuition, and in a major way was probably a HUGE part of my identity that i didn't even recognize as such. anyway. here it is today and life feels..... well, odd beyond description. i have no more strong inner "yes" or "no" to life left. there's just this. and i don't know how to move anymore, what to do, where to go, anything. that'd be fine, i guess, if i had been living like a normal person, with a job and a home etc. but i was too busy being 'spiritual" all these years, and have no real life skills whatsoever. i live in a van, have dropped out of college 5 times, have no long term job references and on and on..... without knowing what to do, without any basic support for how to live in the "regular" world.... there's just this. and i can't even get worked up about it all. but i'm curious. so i write this thread, wondering about other folks experiences with such a deep loss of inner guide. it might be useful for me at this point. or maybe not, who knows. but the fingers are typing, and the cursor is going to hit 'post message'..... Maybe you could find the warmest climate available and join the 'Occupy Wall street' movement... There's nothing better for forgetting about the Spiritual Angela, than creating a Political Angela... As long as you remember what you are, simply follow your heart, and pursue the things you Love to do. Love will do the rest. Your blessed as the expression of the unfathomable, that created the universe... And that perfection doesn't make mistakes... Peace |
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Post by vacant on Oct 29, 2011 13:52:47 GMT -5
Angela, I suspect intuition hasn’t really left you, as a matter of fact it probably brought you to the spot you currently occupy and there is no reason to decide it’s not doing its thing as we speak. Perhaps what’s gone is the sugar coating you’ve wrapped it in for a long time, the very thing that tends to give intuition a bad name, and now you see through it…
Don’t sweat. Maybe next time you feel on a high (that’s just around the next corner for sure) you can remember not to make too much of it, and then you won’t have so high to fall from when the sugar coating melts away.
It’s the puppet show. And in my book, gut-knowing is all there is, just with no frills.
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Post by popee2 on Oct 29, 2011 13:57:13 GMT -5
non seeker ----> seeker (novice) ----> seeker (advanced) ----> enlightened ----> non seeker
lol
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Post by klaus on Oct 29, 2011 14:11:36 GMT -5
My God, my God why have you forsaken me?
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Post by mamza on Oct 29, 2011 14:54:50 GMT -5
Hi, Angela. I've never really had any intuition as far as I can tell, but things seem to be working out pretty great anyway. Even if something really crappy happens, it isn't too long before that turns down some other alley of opportunity.
There was a time when I had to use all of my money to fix my car, and then all of these other things started piling up on top of it, but somehow I always got exactly what I needed for every situation right when I needed it (and never any sooner). It's like that speech from Steve Jobs that somebody posted in one of the other threads--you can only connect the dots looking back. The more I connect, the more I trust them to connect on their own, even though I haven't got a damn clue what's going on with just about anything anymore.
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Post by andrew on Oct 29, 2011 15:06:13 GMT -5
I can relate to what you said Angela. What springs to mind is Steven Harrison's book, ''What next after Now?''. Im not suggesting you go out and read it, and actually, its not really a book I would even recommend particularly, but there was a time in my life when I found myself without any particular illusion left to see through, without an inner guide to turn to, and also without job, decent references and I was back living at home with my parents at the age of 30. In a way, I had taken 'surrender' and 'letting go' as far as it could go and in that surrender the next appropriate step that emerged for me was to reconnect with the 'physical' i.e. there was nothing left to be done but manifest. I didnt do this in a 'worked up' kind of way, it was done because there really wasnt anything else TO do. I took a look at my life situation, and even though I was pretty awake and at peace, I couldnt honestly say that it was ideal. I used some relevant tools and a year later my life situation had massively changed, and it has continued to change year on year in a way that I would say reflects my inner state more and more. Just to be clear, Im not talking about money here....in strictly financial terms I am actually worth considerably less than I was a few years ago, but that, perhaps strangely, suits me.
Anyway, all the best on your path.
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Post by enigma on Oct 29, 2011 15:45:12 GMT -5
I'm pretty much down with intuition as I equate it with clarity, but I never saw it as guidance. Come to think of it, maybe I did for a little while, but it collapsed pretty quickly in the realization that there is no guide. As I said in another thread, there's nobody out there who gives a da*n about you, which doesn't sound sound too cool until you realize there's no 'out there'. Guidance is only needed withing the paradigm of me having to make my way through the maze of the world as though I have to make the right choices. That's likely why your teacher said intuition would have to go too.
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Post by relinquish on Oct 29, 2011 15:59:21 GMT -5
Hi Angela.
What you actually are is not this one who is saying that life now feels odd, or who is wondering what to do now. It is not the one who has lost her intuition, or the one who is wondering about other peoples experiences in this matter.
Peace:)
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